Dear Judy,
My sister-in-law, aged 50, was diagnosed with adenocarcinoma 8 weeks ago, and now has just a few days to live. My brother and I love our own — and each other’s – children very much, but we’re just not that plugged into each other’s life. Also, we live on opposite coasts.
I’d fly over there in an instant, but my brother has let me know that he and my sister-in-law prefer to be with their closest friends right now. I respect that, and in their shoes, would probably feel the same way. My sister-in-law, who is feeling sick and weak, has also let it be known that she wants to say goodbye to her adult son and her friends in peace.
My problem is this: when friends learn of their predicament, they implore me to fly out there and help my brother and sister-in-law, despite their pleas to the contrary. These are well-meaning people, I know, but it really upsets me, when some of them take my hand and tell me that one day I’ll regret my decision to abide by their suggestion, and stay away. As I say, I trust my brother to tell me what he needs and wants.
Do I have to explain my relatives’ desires to everyone who asks? If so, is there a succinct way of doing it, without going into horrible details? Am I doing the wrong thing, as these friends seem to imply?
I really need your help.
Peg in Chicago
Dear Peg,
My advice, just for the moment, is to keep news of your sister-in-law’s terminal illness to yourself. That way the number of people giving you unsolicited advice will be limited to those you told earlier.
As for the group who already know of her sad condition — the same ones who believe you should be on the receiving end of their wise counsel, no matter what – just tell them that the last thing you feel like doing at such a terrible time is defying a sick person’s last wishes to be left in peace. That should shut them up – if anything can.
And no, you’re not doing anything wrong. You’re doing what most decent people try for: the best we can.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
If you have another reason to be on the opposite Coast, let him know that you are there. See how your brother responds. Maybe he is just being thoughtful, and wants to save you the trouble of coming out all that way. Maybe there are other issues he just isn’t ready right now — for obvious reasons — to explore. But in either event, I think Judy is right. In your place, I wouldn’t push it. This isn’t the moment.
Why do you think some people feel compelled to offer unsolicited advice on how to behave in such situations? Is it them or us, e.g. do we somehow indirectly signal we want their suggestions, or, do we choose their friends who are apt to give such advice? Is it different for men and women? I wouldn’t want advice on this, and my firends wouldn’t offer advice unless I asked for it.
looking forward to your views.
Michael