Dear Judy,
In the last 18 months, my mother-in-law has lost her husband, an older brother, and a son who was killed in a car crash. I can’t say that the deaths of the first two — my father-in-law and my husband’s uncle — were total tragedies. They were pretty old and both had been sick for years: bad tickers and emphysema; the uncle also had lung cancer. But of course it was terrible that her son had to die the way he did.
Believe it or not, Judy, things have only gotten worse lately. No — no one else in our family has died, fortunately. But my mother-in-law never comes to visit without telling one or the other of our three small children that they in some way resemble the three dead relatives.
I’m not kidding. It is getting seriously spooky at our house. My youngest, a girl of three, is forever being told she’s a ringer for Uncle Mike, especially the nose and the color of her eyes. The oldest, a six-year-old boy has been order to take up the piano because his grandfather liked to play. That kind of thing. These kids are too young to deal with death, and I don’t want them traumatized by some fantasy resemblance dreamt up by their grandmother.
I don’t want to offend my mother-in-law. Still, things are getting out of hand, and my husband won’t help by speaking to his own mother. How can I stop the insanity?
Marianne
Dear Marianne.
Well one way you can maintain good relations with your mother-in-law is by not mentioning your view that the sequential deaths of her husband and brother aren’t in your considered opinion tragedies. She might very well take issue with that observation.
Another thing to keep in mind: there’s nothing especially spooky about remarking on a family resemblance, even if one of the family members has died. Correctly or incorrectly an older woman who has experienced more than her share of bereavement, believes she sees something familiar and lovable in your children.
Count yourself — and them — lucky.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
If it bothers you and you think it bothers the children, you should certainly find ways to react and make your feelings clear without offending the old lady. For example, if she mentions Uncle Mike’s eyes you can respond by saying it is remarkable how genes create similarities and yet everyone is unique and special. Under no circumstances force a child who does not want to to learn piano, certainly not to remeber his grandfather. Rather, say that he has such talented grandparents, including the grandmother, and we wait to see which of the inherited talents is most worth pursuing. If you allow this to continue without setting polite limits you will resent her and it will show.
Get off it Judy; If the mother-in-law notes the resemblence to the deceased and the kids one solitary time — that’s fine. But stupid comments are out of line.
You usually give such good advice. I am definitely surprised and disappointed by the drivel you offer here.
Theda
Next time your MIL makes these comments, smile sweetly and say how everyone is unique and builds their personality and skills with the genes they inherited, and that you certainly look forward to seeing how this particular blend of DNA turns out. After a few times, she’ll get the message.