Dear Judy,
A friend’s husband died, and it was no surprise. He’s been in bad health for years, and you could tell by his swollen ankles and wandering mind that he wasn’t going to live forever. Also he used to drink like a fish, until he went to AA meetings, but that had its effect too.
My friend, though, acts like it’s the biggest shock ever that her husband died, and although I happen to know they weren’t always really happy together (she thought of divorcing him several times, but he was too rich to dump), she acts now like he was a prince in a fairy tale. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to hear how gallant he was, how kind and thoughtful and how many car doors he opened for her and finally how he never forgot her birthday. (He forgot plenty of other things though, including his marriage vows, as I happen to know!).
Do I interject an occasional note of realism into her non-stop mourning. Or do I shut up? It’s really getting tiresome being around her.
Candace
Dear Candace,
I think the second alternative you mentioned is a really great idea.
Yes, lots of dead husbands seem to improve in the months and years after their funerals. This is known, appropriately, as “the halo effect.” But the real purpose of these fantasies are not to improve the dead, but to comfort the living, in this case your friend.
I do not think she’d appreciate learning about where or when her late spouse forgot his marriage vows — especially since you seem to know all too clearly the details of his misadventures, and apparently have taken them very much to heart.
So do everyone a favor: keep his flaws to yourself. That’s what you did while he was alive, wasn’t it?
Thank you for writing
Judy
