Dear Judy,
The only man I ever completely loved broke my heart. That was 10 years ago, when I was 22, overly jealous, overly possessive, marriage-hungry, and very dependent on him. He was 41 and well known in his field (film), so it was an unequal relationship. Also he lived, and still does, in LA, and I had to commute to see him.
So I guess I blame myself for the end of the relatiionship as much as I blame him. He just wanted someone more independent than I was at the time. Anyway, that’s what I finally figured out after 3 years of therapy.
About a year after he said goodbye, he married someone more self-confidant than I am (or was), had a couple of kids, and I went about my business, got an MA and started teaching.
I just learned he has colon cancer, and the cancer has spread. In other words, he’s not expected to live more than 2 years.
My questions: Should I contact him now to tell him I forgive him for the pain he caused me? That I have some insights into the relationship as it was that I’d like to share? Maybe he feels guilty, and maybe I could ease some of that guilt.
Or is this a totally bad idea?
Corinna
Dear Corinna,
It’s a totally bad idea.
In the first place, how do you know he feels guilty at all about the end of the relationship? And what do you need to forgive him for? Ending a bad relationship?
In the second, how do you know how his wife might feel about your conviction that a tete-a-tete with you is just what your ex-friend needs now that his life is ending?
And in the third: are you sure you’re over this guy?
But let’s forget about you and your pain for just a moment. The terminally ill need, as a general rule, to be around those they live with and love: spouses, children, current lovers, relatives with whom they are on good terms.
It is, in other words, not a great idea to spring surprise visits on the unsuspecting when they are dying.
Thank you for writing
Judy
Sounds like Corinna needs closure. Myabe he does too. Maybe she can write him a letter saying how sorry she is to hear his bad news. Then if he reaches out to her, she can respond accordingly.
Corinna, if you feel the need to contact him, that is because his soul is seeking yours as it prepares to depart his body. You should respond to this invitation. But there is no need to do it materially. On the contrary, a meeting of souls unfettered by bodies will be far more satisfactory. At the request of one party, I have often used my healing powers to help souls of two living people meet and reconcile, while the other party was not conciously aware of this encounter. .
Seems like despite three years of therapy, Corinna is still pining for that man. For her sake, and at the risk of sounding callous, I hope that his forthcoming death will finally liberate her, so she can get a realistic life of her own.
No need to “dump” on the guy who is trying to live until he dies (aren’t we all)…. a tasteful card with a note that imparts hope and prayer for the strength of himself and his family, along with wishes for a good outcome may be appropriate and allow you to close this door. . Save the guilt trip, it will fall on deaf ears. .