Almost every week I get an email from someone who’s received bad news, and doesn’t quite know how to tell the kids. That’s bad enough.
But worse, far worse, is dying without taking care of the kids. And by that, I don’t simply mean providing them with enough money to make it through college. I mean you have to figure out — now — who you want to take care of your children in the event tragedy strikes, and you can’t.
And above all, speak to the people you’ve chosen as guardians before putting your wishes in writing. And by “in writing” I mean put that selection in your Will.
I can’t stress enough the importance of speaking to whatever friend or relative you’d like to select as your child’s guardian: you don’t want to spring any surprises on them, after all (surprises that they might reject when it’s too late for you to do anything about it…). And I know, from long experience, that you have to weigh the pros and cons of your selection before speaking to the individual(s) you’ve chosen.
Is that person good with kids? Good with your kids? Would that person favor her own kids over yours? Or would you prefer a childless guardian who might have no such issues? Does the guardian share your values? Value common sense? Understand that parenting doesn’t stop even when the kid reaches 18?
Equally important: is that person prosperous enough to take care of your children, in the event the money you’ve willed your young heirs runs out before they reach adulthood? Or generous enough to share?
And finally — although not enough people, lawyers included, mention this — choose someone fairly young and in good health as guardian. I know relative youth and seeming health are no guarantors of longevity in this world. But since we all gamble in our lives in one way or another, we might as well play with the odds on our side.
Call a lawyer. Write that Will today.
Great advice and perfect timing!. My wife and I were just discussing the other day what will happen to our children if we die young-ish, and are leaning toward asking a special longtime friend. But we have family pressures. I am worried how our siblings will react when they learn that we entrusted our children to someone who isn’t family. They might be insulted (perhaps never talk to us again!). So there we will be, with a very nice guardian selected for the kids, in case of our premature deaths — but also a family feud while we’re still alive. I hope you have suggestions on how to handle that.
ahhh Judy this issue drives me crazy - I have maybe 15 friends with kids and none of them have their will! They presume that it’ll all be ok - years of nagging from me doesn’t seem to work, even telling them of the horror stories of what can happen to your kids if you don’t sort it out now.. I have given them numinous phone numbers for inexpensive will writers and solicitors – I’ve emailed them details, sent text messages with details and even written it on my blog… and STILL they do nothing!
The day my daughter was born I could not settle until I had chosen someone to look after her if something tragic happened – it was hard to choose, it was not our family it wasn’t even our best friend – it was an old family friend who’s our age, with the same interests and same look on life… we chose her because we knew her and her partner would be fair and understanding to our daughter and love her like their own – now we don’t worry - i just worry for everyone else
Your advice is so iright and important. A close relative of mine who had 6 children — and the father had just bugged off — did none of what you recommend and the situation is a disaster. The money wasn’t the biggest problem (there was some money), but the kids were split up. One relative agreed to take just 1 kid, and that one has already run away! There seems to be no end of problems ahead.
Your readers need to do esxactly what you suggest.
Dear Kenneth,
I said that you must tell the people (or person) you designate as guardian for your children that he or she has been selected. That at least lets you know if they relish the honor, or would prefer to decline.
I don’t think it’s wise to inform those relatives or friends who weren’t selected as guardians that they are basically rejected!! Say nothing at all.
In other words, the one great thing about death is you don’t have to face the consequences of your decisions. Ever.