My favorite obit so far (and I thank my friends at the Funeral Consumers Alliance for this tip) was posted on the web last month. It is remarkable for its honesty and its prose which would best be described as…um…unsparing. Here goes:
“Dolores Aguilar, born in 1929 in New Mexico, left us on August 7, 2008… Dolores had no hobbies, made no contribution to society and rarely shared a kind word or deed in her life. I speak for the majority of her family when I say her presence will not be missed by many, very few tears will be shed and there will be no lamenting over her passing… I truly believe at the end of the day ALL of use will really only miss what we never had, a good and kind mother, grandmother and great-grandmother. I hope she is finally at peace with herself.”
Well if Dolores is in any position these days to read her own obit, I suspect she is not wholly at peace with herself — or in fact anyone she knows really well. However, as peace seems to have been, judging from the above excerpt, extremely hard for her to come by in her life, perhaps she wouldn’t be comfortable with it in death.
As the author of the obit explains toward the end: “There will be no service, no prayers and no closure for the family she spent a lifetime tearing apart.”
Was this obituary in good taste? Definitely not. Was it refreshing? In my opinion, without a doubt. Why is it necessary to conjure up non-existent virtues after someone dies? Or, to put it more accurately, to inter truth with their bones?
Perhaps some of you feel that our faults should be buried along with our other remains. If so, I’d like to hear from you. In fact, either way, I’d like to know whether or not you think truth has any place in the afterlife.
For the life of me, no pun intended, I cannot understand what these people are trying to do. The best I can come up with is that they need an excuse for why they are so screwed up. And an explanation for how they will screw up their children, ad infinitum. Your mother was terrible? Tell your therapist. Or spouse, or sibling. There cannot be any rational explanation for what they wrote.
SHE MAY HAVE BEEN MEAN BUT THOSE WHO WROTE IT ARE AS MEAN SO THEY REFLECT ON THEMSELVES AS MUCH AS ON HER. I FEEL SORRY FOR THEM AND AM GLAD FOR HER THAT SHE IS NO LONGER WITH THESE NASTY RELATIVES. IMAGINE A 79 YEAR OLD PERSON WHO WAS SO HATED. IMAGINE WHAT HAPPENED IF SHE NEEDED ANY HELP. SHAME ON THEM!
Only by being honest with yourself and recognizing what bugs you can you get on with your lives. I salute these people and wish them all the best. Seems they have a lot to deal with, and also that they have the strength.
Fascinating discussion!
It immediately reminds me of a time decades ago, when I was priviliged to attend a 50th wedding anniversary party, my first such experience.
During the time for toasts, one of the adult children get up and gave a lengthy and moving toast to his parents, complete with tears, in which he spoke about all the love and support he had always received from hs parents, and how they were always there for him, etc., etc.
I, as a child, was totally confused by this display of filial affection, since it had been my personal observation that the parents and their (now adult) children had always had a rocky relationship. One so difficlut that several of the children involved were in therapy, and those who weren’t should have been.
In fact, the younger generations were known for their dysfunctionality.
Later, I privately asked my mother why ALL THE LIES were told at the event, and she essentially explained to me that while no one present was fooled, teling these falacious tales was considered the proper thing to do at a social event like this.
My feeling, however would be that it’s better to say nothing at all than to either tell lies or embarrass people publicly with the truth.
I’d say that an obit like that might have a cleansing effect on the sole, but it ought not to be publicly published.
Just my two cents worth…
Galena
I read obituaries out of morbid curiosity. I have never read an entertaining obit; they are boring, or sad, or sometimes touching, but never actually entertaining. Is it necessary to lie about the dead? Absolutely not. Perhaps the above amusing obit was in poor taste but if she was as awful as it suggests, no one who actually knew her thinks so.
I don’t see much wrong with telling the truth about a person in their obituary, so long as that truth doesn’t harm anyone else. I had to write an obituary once; the deceased had a lot of faults and a lot of negativity surrounding his life and death. I didn’t go into all that detail or fault in his obit, but I didn’t lie about him either. I found a happy medium, because I and others loved him.
I say, don’t make up nice things to say about a dead person that aren’t true. But don’t hurt others with the truth, just for the sake of being hurtful.
Is It Necessary to Lie After Death?…
Post discusses task of writing an obituary, and gives a “non-PC” example that was actually published…