My mother has MS. She is 52 and has had it since age 30. You know the disease. It progresses then stops, progresses then stops.

The thing is, she has stopped herself. She doesn’t do much of anything any more and I know she can do some things. She can read. She can talk. She can even get about (with difficult of course) and go to restaurants or the movies.

But she doesn’t want to it seems.

How can I get her to do stuff?

Phil

Dear Phil,

I’m sure it comes as no surprise to you that your mother is profoundly depressed. That’s what it sounds like, at least, from your description of her.

A person who’s lived with MS 22 years, has seen it as you write, progress and then stop, and then attack and retreat some more, has every reason to feel pessimistic and deeply unhappy.

What she needs is a visit to a good internist who can check her out and then prescribe mood enhancers. These might help. An intelligent therapist also might help. Ask around, and you’ll get some good recommendations for her.

Thanks for writing

Judy

I am 38 and married with 3 kids. Our mother has colon cancer, very advanced, and my brother, who is a volunteer fireman, never has time to help in her care.

I understand his volunteer work is important to him and his community, but it really pisses me off, because I too have responsibilities (my youngest is 3 years old!) and there’s only so many hours in the day.

Our mother is very weak. She is under hospice care, living at home, but she needs the presence of her relatives, which is us, and our support.

What should I say to my brother who says he never has the time to come around and see her.

Candace

Dear Candace,

Tell your brother exactly what you’ve told me. That right now your mother needs him, but most likely within a fairly short period of time she won’t be around to need him.

The community will always be there. So will the fire department.

Thank you for writing

Judy

I was diagnosed with vulvar cancer in December 23rd.

They left me a phone message: “Your test results came back, you have cancer, Merry Christmas!”

I’ve seen the doctor once since then for some tests when they put me in a big tube for some x-rays or something.

When I asked my doctor questions, he says he needs further testing first. I am beginning to think he just wants to bill the insurance company for every penny until my insurance benefits run out.

I have a bloody sore on my vagina, which is getting bigger. Why can’t they just burn the blasted thing off? My husband is in awe of doctors and just say, WAIT….

Ruth

Dear Ruth,

I think you already know what you have to do. Any doctor who allows personnel to phone patients with the message, “You have cancer, have a merry Christmas,” needs to be fired. At once.

Any doctor who allows a vulvar sore to get bigger, without taking steps to remove it needs to be fired. At once.

Vulvar cancer is, as you possibly know, very rare, accounting for less than 1 percent of all cancers in women in the United States. HOWEVER: it needs immediate diagnosis and immediate medical care. The doctor needs to perform a biopsy — most likely with an instrument called a colposcope which identifies abnormal cell growth.

You very likely had an MRI (that was the tube you mentioned) which is also a good idea and possibly a cystoscopy with a lighted tube to make sure the cancer hasn’t spread to the bladder.

What concerns me is your doctor has answered none of your vital questions. Ask around for a recommendation among your friends, and get a new one who is both skilled and sympathetic. Don’t wait a second more.

Thanks for writing

Judy

My daughter died of breast cancer which spread everywhere. That was 3 years ago. There are 4 kids, my grandchildren, and the oldest is 12. It’s all very tragic, and I’m still not recovered really. Every time I see the eldest, who is beautiful with light brown hair, I see my own daughter’s face.

My even bigger source of stress is my son-in-law who remarried 8 months ago. I thought it was a bit soon, but I guess it’s not my business. They had a very big wedding, and the bride who is 41 and overweight wore a long white gown and a rhinestone tiara. My grandchildren either held the train (the oldest) or springled rose petals everywhere.

I didn’t know where to put myself. I thought it was insulting to my daughter’s memory, and ridiculous for the bride. I keep my mouth shut but it hurts.

Can you suggest something I should do to make the pain diminish? I don’t want to talk to my son-in-law about how I feel and anyway it’s too late. Right?

Ellie

Dear Ellie,

I am so sorry about your daughter. That kind of pain and grief is hard to bear, and you are doing a good job, so far, by not discussing your feelings about remarriage with your son-in-law.

Your task now is to keep on remaining very quiet.

I realize you believe your son-in-law remarried too soon. And that you also think he married the wrong person and married her too early. And that you don’t approve of her choice of ceremony or the wedding dress or the tiara.

But you know what? The only important issue is your grandchildren. Will she be good to them? Good for them?

And as important: Will you have regular access to those grandchildren? Will you be a big part of their lives?

My bet is if you keep your sartorial feelings to yourself and never utter a word about either the wedding or its timing, you will.

Thank you for writing

Judy

I am 19 and I go to college. When I was 10 my father died. My mother and grandfather always said my mother died in a car accident because his vision was always bad, and the night was dark (his car rolled over a hill late at night on a badly lit road not far from our house, and he was killed instantly).

But 3 weeks ago his sister, my aunt, told me actually he killed himself. He had talked about it a lot with her, and she didn’t believe he’d go through with it, but she thinks it’s no accident that he died.

I haven’t told my mother. Should I? Should I believe my aunt? What do you think?

Toni

Dear Toni,

I can’t imagine what inspired your aunt to tell you that your father killed himself. Maybe he told her he was depressed and wanted to die, and maybe he didn’t want to die at all.

But one thing you do know: your father died late at night when the road was so dark he could barely see. That is a very iffy way to plan a suicide. He might have survived the accident. He might have been horribly injured or disfigured for life. People who are intent on killing themselves usually choose surer methods.

You asked if you should tell your mother what your aunt said. I opt for — Yes. It will pain your mother to hear all this, but she’s the one who should put a stop to it.

Thank you for writing

Judy

Our mother has Alzheimer’s and it’s pretty advanced. My older brother, who is 37 and never has done a day’s work in his life and never has spent much time with the rest of us, suddenly discovered in the last months how much he loves our mother and needs to be around her.

He even moved in with her. He’s been away from home since he was 17, so you can imagine what the rest of us are thinking (I also have a twin sister)

My sister and I think he’s trying to influence our mother to re-write her will. Or even re-writing it for her. Her original will, both of us know, left him with just $1,000 and my sister and I inherit the rest.

We’re worried. What do we do?

Lesley

Dear Lesley,

If you haven’t already, you should get an Alzheimer’s specialist to check your mother now, and write up a report and date it. That way at least if anything untoward occurs, you have proof of your mother’s condition — and even more important how advanced that condition is. Alzheimer’s is a progressive disease, and if your mother is far gone, that should be noted.

Second, now is the time to hire an estate lawyer and hand that lawyer a copy of your mother’s will as well as a copy of the medical specialist’s report on your mother. Tell the lawyer of your concerns. I’m sure you’ll get good advice.

Finally, visit your mother. Often. You and your sister can ask questions, both of her and your brother. She may not be able to remember much and your brother may not want to remember much. But at least your presence will be noted, and may serve as a kind of warning to your brother.

And of course, rummage around your mother’s place from time to time. Tell your mother and your brother you are looking for bills, checks, whatever.

Thanks for writing

Judy

I feel so terrible, I don’t know where to turn. My friend of 10 years (we live together) has Stage III prostate cancer, which has spread. I know he will die. But I also know I wish he would die now.

Obviously, I’ve never shared any of this with him or anyone. It makes me sick to see him, I am depressed all the time and nothing I can do can make him or me feel better or less depressed. I have tried.

Sometimes at night when he’s asleep (he takes plenty of pain-killers) I just can’t stop thinking and wishing it were over. I feel so guilty.

What can I do?

Felicity

Dear Felicity,

I am very sorry about your friend. It is painful for you, even more painful for him. And you’re right: very likely the only event that will ease his misery is death itself.

What can you do? Well the first thing — and you’re of course already doing it — is to avoid sharing your late-night thoughts with your friend. The second: share them with someone professional, a therapist in other words. I know that won’t help your friend.

But therapy will help you by giving you a chance to vent — and the therapist a chance to tell you how you can alleviate your own misery.  Sessions with a professional will, for instance, help lessen your guilt. From long experience with the issue, I can tell you one thing for sure: wanting someone in pain to die is not unusual. What you’re feeling is perfectly normal.

And finally, don’t count on your friend’s death to make you feel a lot better. This will be a long haul. And you need someone by your side — on your side — to help you weather it.

Thank you for writing

Judy

4 years ago my husband died in a car crash, head-on. We have 2 children, and at the time of my husband’s death they were 5 and 2.

My in-laws have been terrific. Very supportive, kind, and generous, and I really appreciated that, and still do. They still babysit whenever I have class (I am getting a degree in accounting).

The problem is I know I met someone who will be very important in my life. We’re probably going to get married, even though he hasn’t yet asked. He is kind and thoughtful, but he’s not a Christian (he says he’s a Buddhist, if anything, but sometimes I wonder if he’s even that).

My in-laws are very religious and go to church almost every Sunday. They are NOT happy. I don’t want to alienate them, but I also want to keep this man in my life. Any suggestions?

Fran

Dear Fran,

This is one of those situations where you just have to count on the good will of your in-laws, because a) there’s nothing you can or should do about the religion of the man in your life and b) in-laws, no matter how wonderful, kind to their grandchildren and thoughtful, have no right to control your future.

One thing I would counsel, however: this man you love who has yet to propose marriage — don’t count on the marriage. You don’t know for sure. And apparently, he doesn’t know for sure.

So before heading towards a confrontation with your children’s loving grandparents, take a deep breath. And do nothing – until if and when he suggests a life together.

Thank you for writing,

Judy

My sister died last year of ovarian cancer. Practically a year to the day her husband, whom I’ve always liked and thought the world of, married a new wife.

I did some mental calculations and figured out they must have been “dating” while my sister was sick with cancer. Because there have been references from both of them to certain dates when they knew each other, and a film they saw together which came out only at the very end of my sister’s life. Also to a restaurant they went to which closed about a week after my sister died. That was the night they supposedly fell “in love.”

I am so appalled I don’t know what to do. To even think that my brother-in-law was falling in love and carrying on with a woman while my sister, his wife of 12 years, was suffering with death staring her in the face.

I have two nieces I love. One looks exactly like my sister did when she was 9. I don’t want to stop seeing them. On the other hand, how can I continue seeing my brother-in-law and his new wife, knowing what I know?

Penny

Dear Penny,

Actually, from the way I look at it, you don’t know anything for sure. The movie they saw may have been a CD they viewed well after it first came out. The restaurant? Well maybe they went there a few days after your sister’s death, and couldn’t help falling in love.

I don’t know. You don’t know.

But one thing you do know, from what you wrote me. You love your nieces. You want to see them. They are the last legacies of your sister, aside from your memories.

If you want to see the little girls, drop the attitude. What other choice is there?

Thank you for writing

Judy

I am newly married and have a 15-year-old stepdaughter. Her biological father is dying of lung and colon cancer.

I want to comfort both my stepdaughter and my wife. My stepdaughter feels her father no longer cares about her, and about a year ago told her Mom, “I wish he would die.”  Then 2 weeks ago he learned he had those cancers.

I’ve encouraged her to spend time with her biological father, so she won’t have regrets later in life. But what else should I do? I just feel I should do more.

I also have a 2nd part to this question, and it concerns my wife. Long ago, she moved as a nanny into the bio-father’s house. He molested her when she was 16 and he was 30. When his wife found out, she moved out of the house, leaving the kids. My wife then had a kid with the bio-father — my stepdaughter. It took years for her to divorce him.

Last night we discussed all this and it brought her to tears. Any advice?

Ken

Dear Ken,

I think you are kind and wise to worry about your stepdaughter and your wife. Your lived a nightmare. She needs therapy — now. Let’s leave it at that.

Right now I feel the feelings of your teenage stepdaughter are paramount.  My bet, given the strenuousness of her objections to seeing her father and the way she talks about him is that a lot of traumatic events went on in that relationship that perhaps you don’t know about.

So this is one of the rare instances where I would say: Listen to your stepdaughter. Don’t push her to visit him. It may be that staying away from him, even though he’s dying, is the best and safest course for her right now. In a nutshell, your stepdaughter could use some therapy too right now.

As for her feelings later in life about failing to visit her father at the end of his days: my guess is they will be, at worst, mixed. At best: relieved she was spared the experience of having to pity a criminal who blighted her adolescence — and wrecked the life of her mother.

Thank you for writing

Judy