I really felt vindicated yesterday when I saw how you replied to an email from a reader who was against burying a terminally ill gay friend in the family vault.

I’m openly gay, and so is my best friend. Like the guy you wrote about yesterday, he too has HIV/AIDS, only his partner left him, and he’s now living — dying really — at his parents’ house.

They treat him like crap, Judy. They serve his food only on paper plates, like he’s contagious. They keep their distance and never hug him.  He is very weak and also lonely. The drugs he takes have side effects, he is not responding as well as his doctors have hoped, and there are opportunistic infections.

How can I get his parents to understand they are only making things worse, the way they treat him? It’s tearing him apart and me too!

James C

Dear James,

I am very sorry about your friend, and sorrier still that his parents are so ill-equipped to deal with his illness.

I don’t think at this late date you’re going to be able to change their attitude, however — and also, any suggestions coming from you might be disregarded, given the way you describe the couple. They are at least providing their son with shelter and food, and you certainly don’t want to provoke them in a way that might make them re-think those obligations!

But since you are this man’s best friend, you can play an important role. You can be there with him when he feels ill. You can pick up his medications. You can drive him to the doctor’s office. You can talk to him.

And you can provide him with decent china for his meals!

In other words you can become a kind of synthetic parent. He’ll appreciate the attention.

Thank you for writing

Judy

My 37-year-old son says I should listen to you, which is why I’m writing. He is our only son and he is gay. For the last decade he’s been living with the man he calls his “partner.” This partner is 49, and fooled around a lot with a lot of men, mostly before he met our son.

Were we happy about the arrangement? No.  My husband’s cousin is a conservative congressman — I won’t name the state for pretty obvious reasons. We are respected in our church, which isn’t big on gay marriage.

Now my son’s “partner” is dying. He’s had HIV/AIDS for years and years, had it even when my son met him, and there are some opportunistic illnesses that have set in and are killing him.  Maybe he has a few months to live, maybe more. My son wants his friend buried in our family vault, where my grandparents and great-grandparents lie. He’s not taking ‘No’ for an answer either.

I say, family is family. If anyone in our family knew some other person had invaded their space, especially the” partner,” they’d pitch a fit.

 Partners belong in their own graves — someplace else. Who is right?

Annette

Dear Annette,

I don’t know who is right. But I do know what’s smart. And what I’d do in your place.

I’d do exactly as your son suggests. Bury his longtime friend in the family vault. This isn’t a democracy. You don’t have to have a family referendum on who’s to be buried there next. Just do it.

And if anyone in the family, including the conservative congressman, objects, they have the perfect right to find themselves, when the time approaches, another piece of costly graveyard real estate. And they can pay for it too.

And by the way: the word partner? Don’t put it in quotes any more. Not if you want to maintain a wonderful relationship with your own son. He’s suffering enough right now — and so is his partner.

Thank you for writing

Judy

I travel a lot on business for a hedge fund company (yes, I know. No jokes please). Almost 3 months ago, one of our partners collapsed and died practically right away. Massive coronary.

We were in Hong Kong. There was lots of red tape. I got the body embalmed, paid for that, the coffin (the coffin was really expensive: over 6 grand) and the trip home in the coffin. My employers obviously paid for the trip home for the partner.

 The embalming and the coffin are obviously supposed to be paid by his widow.

Guess what? Not a dime yet from the widow or anyone in the partner’s family has come my way, even though when I returned, I phoned the widow and told her how much I paid for everything. I don’t want to seem insensitive, because that could go back to my employers. But considering I forked out over $8,000 for everything, I need help.

Howard

Dear Howard,

Insensitive? I don’t think so. Insensitive would have been to leave the partner’s body in Hong Kong. Or to phone his widow demanding $8,000 in cash up front.

Time to send her a detailed formal bill, carefully itemized, with receipts. It need not be rude or cold. Attach a note expressing once again your sympathy for the tragedy she endured. Explain how you were happy to help out in such a tragic time. And then on the bill itself, write a due date for the amount to be reimbursed.

Thank you for writing

Judy

I work in a fairly small office. One of our gals just had a baby, she’s thrilled. Another just had a very late-term miscarriage — in fact labor had to be induced, so the worst of it was the mother knew she would be “giving birth” to a  stilborn  baby.

Our issue here at the office is awful. We have a custom of collecting money for baby presents. Now we just don’t know what to do because it’s like rubbing salt in the wound of our office friend who just lost her baby.

 Do we even ask this friend who’s suffered a lot to contribute to the gift for the other baby? It’s a crib, so we need more than one or 2 donors. If we do ask her for money, we feel horrible. If we don’t it’s like we’re snubbing her, am I right?

We read your online column (we’re a medical group…) and we know you’re pretty good at this, Judy.

Help!

Terry

Dear Terry,

Why this compulsion to bludgeon co-workers into forking out their hard-earned money for gifts they don’t necessarily want to give? Especially in this lousy economy?

I know, I know. Your intentions are noble. It’s a tradition. But in my opinion, a lousy tradition, because it can embarrass those who may be in financial straits but don’t want to admit it openly.

And it has about a million other drawbacks as well, as you’ve just noticed.

So here’s an idea that will prevent your office staff from unintentionally wounding one unhappy woman, while soothing the the potentially ruffled feathers of the proud new mother.

Why not declare a  formal end to all office mandated gift-giving? You could even write up a brief explanation on office stationery to give the new statement some clout. Attribute the change in custom to the bad economy, and suggest that perhaps when things improve and money loosens up, you might– at some future unspecified date —  go back to your old ways.

Then don’t. Ever. You can see for yourself the messes it gets you into.

Thank you for writing

Judy

I read the email from the woman whose boyfriend was killed in a car accident when his sister was driving — it’s the only thing that gives me the guts to write you right now.

I’m living with guilt day and night and it doesn’t stop for a second. I killed a pedestrian 2 years ago. I was driving late at night; I saw someone suddenly dart across the street, slammed on the brakes so hard my neck almost snapped. But it was too late.  I called the cops and an ambulance and waited there until they came and told them what happened, and obviously there was an investigation.

Nothing ever happened to me. I wasn’t charged. I’ll never know why this person, a young woman, ran across the street like she did, like a crazy person, without warning late at night. My neck still hurts, but the worst of it is I can’t get the sight of that dead body out of my mind. She was dead on arrival at the hospital.

  Sometimes I think I want to die myself

 I tried contacting the family of the woman in recent months, but no one wants to talk to me. That hurts too. I can’t sleep and can’t keep the image of that woman out of my mind.

Please help.

Ron

Dear Ron,

I am sure I am not the only person to tell you this: You have to speak to a therapist who is really smart and sympathetic. And you need to do it right away. Two years is too long for the kind of relentless guilt and agony you’re enduring.

 If you know anyone who’s found help that way, ask that person for the name and number of  his therapist. If you don’t, maybe your own internist knows a good therapist.  But you have to do it soon, if only to get some sleep.

About the family of the pedestrian: don’t contact them again. I know you meant well. But if they don’t want to discuss the incident with you or grant you (as you clearly wish from them) absolution, there’s nothing to be done. It’s important to remember that their attitude has nothing to do with you as a person: they may know perfectly well you aren’t at fault. They may simply need to mourn in private.

When you find a good therapist, write back if you wish and tell me how you’re doing.

Meantime, thank you for writing

Judy

I am a five year lung cancer survivor looking for a way to help lung cancer victims get over the stigma of  the “they-did-it-to-themselves” attitude from the general public.  Nobody should judge anyone’s lifestyle and it seems that everyone does something in their life that they shouldn’t. 

So how can I convey to people who suggest I am responsible for my own lung cancer that nobody deserves to suffer from or die from lung cancer?

Tim

Dear Tim,

First of all — congratulations on being a 5-year survivor of lung cancer! That’s a great survival rate, and I hope you keep on going a very long time.

About your issue: I’m pretty sure you’ve figured out why lots of people like to blame the victims — people who suffer from illnesses everyone else is scared of. Because that way the healthy can assure themselves (often incorrectly) that they won’t ever be lung cancer patients, liver cancer patients, cervical cancer patients — or whatever.

In other words, if only they take certain precautions (ie don’t drink, don’t smoke, don’t mess around etc), these people believe, all serious illness will spare them.

I think you and I know different. Non-smokers get lung cancer. The virtuous can die young (and often do). But the beliefs of the fearful, however erroneous, give them a certain amount of comfort (in the same way lots of people used to believe, also erroneously, they would never be sexually assaulted as long as they dressed conservatively and led a traditional lifestyle).

To answer your other question: I think the best way of parrying rude and insensitive remarks from those who dare to suggest you are responsible for your own illness is to remind them that cancer is an equal opportunity predator — and it never plays fair.

And oh — by the way – if everyone in the world who ever did something dumb or unhealthy were struck down by disease, we’d have just about no one left.

Except very dull people…

Thank you for writing

Judy

I think whatever I write is going to sound harsh, no matter what. My sister lost both her children  — 1 in a drowning accident, the other of leukemia, and that was just this year.

I’ve been very sympathetic, there for her all the time. But sometimes, if I just mention any hint of a problem in my own life (I am recently divorced and have lost my job as well), she basically shuts me out. She stops talking and gives me a filthy look. 

Like nothing that happens to be is of any importance compared to what she went through. In a way that’s true. But in another way, I feel like she doesn’t care what happens to me, and it’s very lonely this way.

What do you think I should say? If anything…

Karinna

Dear Karinna,

Right now it’s way to early to readjust your relationship with your sister. She has gone through hell, as you yourself observed, and she’ll need a lot more than 7 months to be able to sustain a normal conversation with you or anyone.

I realize you feel lonely just now, and in need of someone sympathetic to your own problems. But I’m assuming here you have other friends, close ones, you can trust to listen and maybe even give you good advice. Also — and I realize that for someone who is currently jobless this may not be economically feasible — if you do know a reasonably priced therapist, a few sessions might help.

In any event, as you guessed, now is the time to listen to your sister and the nature of her grief and her loss, without discussing whatever ails you. Your problems, hard as they are, have to be resolved without her help.

Thank you for writing

Judy

Translated, it means if you — or someone you know — is terminally ill, you have the right to counseling to figure out what your options are. Since Medicare pays for about 80 percent of all hospice care, it’s a good idea to combine the two benefits.

 Warner said the other day: “I firmly believe that any comprehensive health reform should include more information, counseling and resources that will allow patients, their families, their caregivers and others to consider and discuss decisions about when and how long to pursue treatments at the end of life.”

“Currently, we leave it to families to resolve these extraordinarily difficult decisions, often in moments of crisis, with very little guidance or planning,” he added.

  Will Warner’s good idea have traction? No one knows. But it sure is worth considering.

The San Diego chapter of the Funeral Consumers Alliance (www.funerals.org ) has done a terrific in-depth job of comparing prices among various funeral homes.

Don’t want to pay $5,000 for a casket? Or ridiculous sums for a simple cremation? If you live in San Diego (and die there! now you don’t have to. Check out the link below — and happy savings!

http://www.tradingmarkets.com/.site/news/Stock%20News/2342673/

I don’t know if this is up your alley.  One of the people in my church died recently. He was wealthy and had the best doctors but prostate cancer got him anyway in the end. He was also married, with 4 children, and slept with a number of women, including the church secretary. She has a broken heart, still, because he left her.

I think maybe he got prostate cancer because he was an adulterer, although I realize there’s no scientific proof of this.

Now some of the people in our church want to establish a scholarship in this man’s name (a religious scholarship! for college students who want to go on and become pastors…). So what do I do?

Do I inform our own pastor about this issue? In a way I don’t want to because the two men were friends. But in a way I feel I should do what’s right, no matter what. Also, I think the 11 members of our church who want to fund such a scholarship should be told so maybe the scholarship can be given another name. And maybe the man’s widow, who is a very nice woman, but none too smart.

Your view?

Celia

Dear Celia,

I too feel you should do what’s right, no matter what.

 Keep your mouth closed and your mind on spiritual matters.

Thank you for writing

Judy