How do I balance helping my 83-year-old mother with breast cancer (I do not want to feel guilt after she dies)  with the fact that in many ways I don’t like being with her? I don’t want her to live with me, but lately she’s been dropping hints about “mother-in-law apartments.”

I want to “be there” for her, but honestly, seeing her more than once a week is very depressing for me — plus we live 25 miles away from each other.

Her son lives with her and helps some, but has undiagnosed emotional issues. Can you help?

Susan

Dear Susan

Trust your instincts. Do not live with your mother if you don’t like the idea of seeing her 24/7, and ignore all hints about mother-in law apartments.

But do help out, especially if her son has emotional problems. You will have a considerable amount of work and organizational tasks ahead of you, but at least you can keep your sanity and peace of mind. You don’t tell me what kind of help your mother needs at this stage, but I imagine her mobility, and needless to say, her general health aren’t in great shape.

So here’s a start: Analyze your mother’s condition and make a list of the kind of aid she absolutely needs. Does she need her meals prepared: then make casseroles and stews, freeze them, and deliver them to her on your once-weekly visits.

Does she need someone to drive her to doctors’ appointments: you can do that too on your once-weekly visits (and make sure those appointments fall on the appropriate day).

Does she needs someone to pick up prescriptions? Perhaps her son can do that. Household help to tidy her apartment? You can arrange that as well.

Is she lonely? Call around and ask friends and neighbors to drop by occasionally.

In other words you can do a lot, without necessarily always being there yourself. And you’re right. No one wants to live with guilt after a close relative dies. So just do what you can and organize and assign what you cannot do.

I bet if your mother’s needs are met, you’ll hear fewer hints about mother-in-law apartments.

Thanks for writing

Judy

My father, who has lung cancer, is getting regular phone calls from his mistress. My father lives with his wife, my mother. I always knew in a way that something was going on in my father’s life, but never wanted to know (or ask) details.

Now it’s in our face. The woman calls at least once daily. I know because I visit constantly and every time I’m there, there’s a call and then the hospice volunteer or visiting nurse (who sometimes answer the phone with my father’s permission), hand the phone to me, and then the person hangs up when she hears my voice. If I ask the volunteer who it was, she always replies “A woman who wouldn’t give her name.”

How can I get this person to stop calling? What if my mother answers the phone?

Ricki

Dear Ricki,

The lives of healthy people can be messy. And when they fall seriously ill, the lives of their relatives get even messier, as you’ve discovered.

I can’t tell from what you write whether or not you know the name of your father’s girlfriend. But you certainly can discover her phone number (get your father a phone that lists the caller’s number, if he doesn’t have one already).

Since you are worried about your mother’s feelings, by all means phone the “silent” caller when you’re alone, and explain the situation (politely). Tell her you will give her occasional updates on your father’s condition.

I realize this is putting an enormously unwelcome task on you at a time when you can least bear it, but I think it will solve the matter, and spare your mother’s feelings.

Thanks for writing

Judy

A few weeks ago my friend’s mother died of breast cancer. The mother was skeptical of Western medicine and refused chemo or radiation. My friend moved my mother into her one-bedroom apartment (my friend slept on the couch), and provided all her end-of-life care.

In the mother’s final days, my friend took her to the emergency room several times — to no avail. She died of a pulmonary embolism.

In her last days the mother was completely out of her mind and told my friend several times what a terrible daughter she was. Now my friend is wracked with guilt, feeling she didn’t do enough to save her mother.

In fact, my friend has expressed suicidal thoughts to me. She sees a therapist, but it isn’t doing much good.

She lives across the country from me. How can I help her?

Chris

Dear Chris,

My guess is your friend who lives across the country from you has had suicidal thoughts well before her dying mother began berating her. And that these thoughts have plagued her, perhaps on and off, for some years. I know the rage of a dying parent can be brutal on the offspring, but usually not brutal enough to provoke thoughts of suicide.

But you asked what you could do even though you live far away.

First: you should suggest she see a doctor who can provide mood-elevating medication. A therapist is not enough in this circumstance, and she needs some pharmaceutical backup.

Second: If you don’t already have it, get Skype installed on your computer, so that you can be in contact with your friend on a regular basis, see her mood and facial expressions, and of course talk to her.

Third: if you have mutual friends, call them as well and suggest they drop by her house during these agonizing days and months.

And finally, you can — if she’s reluctant to get the help you suggest — bug her. A lot. Your support could be a life-saver.

Thank you for writing

Judy

My boyfriend’s father has been diagnosed with cancer, and it’s bad.

I live miles away from him, and most of our conversations are via Skype on the Internet. However, my point is I really like him and want to be there for him.

Unfortunately, I have no idea of how to help him with what he’s going through. What should I tell him? How can I be there for him when I can’t be there?

Sara

Dear Sara,

It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with your boyfriend’s father, but for a lot of reasons, I believe there’s a limit to what you can do.

The first is the problem you brought up: you live far away from him. I always tell people with terminally sick friends who live out of state to send them items they know they will enjoy: CD’s if you know his taste in music. DVD’s if he loves movies. Books. Candy.

In other words, there’s lots you can do to remind this man you care about him.

However: don’t overdo it. You are not a daughter-in-law. You are not engaged to his son. By all means stay in touch via Skype. And send him thoughtful gifts. But most of the caring, the talks, the emails should be handled by his own son.

Thanks for writing

Judy

My mother keeps tell us she’s going to leave everything “to the church.” We don’t belong to a church. My mother never spent an hour in church in her life. My sister and I were never taken there as children.

Mom’s in her seventies now, and I guess she’s scared — of something. Maybe God. Maybe Hell, who knows? She has quite a bit of money which, frankly, when she’s gone my sister and I could use.

Any thoughts on how to prevent her giving money to an institution she never had time for when she was young? Or old? I think the whole thing is ridiculous.

Also, do you think she has dementia?

Ruthanne

Dear Ruthanne,

To answer your last question first, the only way to tell if your mother has dementia is to have her tested. There are a number of Alzheimer’s specialists who can test for dementia — even if the condition is not caused by Alzheimer’s Disease, but by, say, mini-strokes.

And yes, it might be a good idea to have your mother tested: but you will need her consent.

As for the rest of the matter: where she will leave her money.  My bet is you’re onto something. Your mother is scared. Assuming your mother is in good health, it might be a sound idea for you to broach her fears with her. Ask her if the aging process scares her. Listen to her. Ask her also if she’s like to talk to someone professional about these fears. That kind of resolution may prevent the more drastic step of throwing money at religion in the hope of buying herself an Afterlife.

Thanks for writing

Judy

My mother has pancreatic cancer. She also has Malignant Personality Disorder! She clearly favored my brother, her “Golden Child,” who could do no wrong.  Although frankly he has a drinking problem.

Both my parents physically and emotionally abused me when I was a child, sabotaging my education and leaving me with a lot of lingering health problems. (My mother was into so-called “alternative medicine”).

My mother wants to see my now she is dying. I live 4-6 hours away and I don’t travel well any more. I have had no contact with her for a couple of years because of her really awful behavior. Frankly, I don’t want to see her. I don’t want to listen to her excuses for why she treated me so badly. She gets a creepy pleasure in making my life miserable. I have already said goodbye.

My relatives are pressuring me to make “one last trip,” as they call it. Should I stick to my guns and stay at home?

Felicia

Dear Felicia,

I always tell people who don’t like a person who happens to be dying (even if it is a relative…) to stay away. There are two reasons for this:

A) One is you. You are not likely to become fonder of anyone, especially not of a mother who abused you as a child, simply because she is dying. Also the deathbed, contrary to what Victorian novels and Hollywood movies would have us believe, is not an environment conducive to peace-making.

B) The other reason for staying away from those you dislike is because the dying person herself, despite her pleas to see you, might not appreciate your company. The terminally ill are in no condition to give you 1) a half-hour hug or 2) a long and satisfactory apology for past misdeeds.

About the only reason you might want to see your mother one last time is lingering guilt. If you are prone, then by all means drop by your mother’s for a brief visit. But if you don’t feel that guilt is going to be your constant companion after her death, stay at home.

It will be better for you both

Thanks for writing

Judy

I facilitate grief support groups and have been comfortable with the children I work with. However, a school counselor has asked me to sit in while she explains to a 10-year-old boy that Hospice care has been called in for his Grandfather (who in the absence of a real father is basically that child’s dad).

What should my part in any of this be? What support can I offer since I don’t know the child?

Rick

Dear Rick,

 You are certainly involved in noble work, as I’m sure you’ve heard many times. And it is always delicate work when you are dealing with a child who will soon be bereft and may — or may not – know it or acknowledge it.

How can you help? First, I would discuss with the counselor herself the kind of support both of you might have in mind. I would also suggest, if this is amenable to everyone, occasionally phoning the 10-year-old and possibly visiting him (if the child’s guardian is okay with that, and is also present).  There are a million questions kids invariably have about death when someone close to them is dying, and they aren’t always comfortable asking them.

So in my opinion it would be a good idea initially to talk with the child about those issues that are less tragic, but which also concern him: school, friends, teachers, hobbies, sports.

After a while, I would ease into discussions of her grandfather, and ask specifically about those questions she may have. This will take time, maybe a lot of time. But she should be prepared for the loss that will soon occur, and you are the person best equipped to do that. Take your cues from her.

Thank you for writing

Judy

Here’s my problem, and I hope you can tell me what to do. I am supposed to go to a funeral next week: a dear friend was killed in a freak accident. But I had promised to go to my niece’s graduation which takes place, far away, on the same day.

My friend’s husband and kids whom I know well will all be at the funeral of course. But my wonderful niece is graduating from college, and I want to be there! 

What do I do. I’ll feel guilty and terrible either way. Which role do I choose, in other words: bad aunt or bad friend.

Terri

Dear Terri,

I go with attending your niece’s graduation. Here’s why.

Your niece, fortunately, is alive and well and clearly you relish her company — as well as her  success.

Your friend is gone. There’s nothing you can do about that. Of course you want to make sure you are still in contact with her family, but in your place, Iwould write a long note before the funeral explaining your dilemma. Explain too that you would give a lot to go to the funeral, but that family matters call you away.

Then visit your friend’s family as much as possible, both before and after your niece’s graduation. Bring casseroles, flowers, sympathy.

That way of course they will miss you at the funeral. But they will never think of you as neglectful, and you’ll all remain good friends.

Which is what you want.

Thank you for writing

Judy

I know I’m not supposed to feel this way, but I do. My brother is dying, and I don’t want to say goodbye.

We have always been very close, told each other almost everything. I don’t get along with his live-in partner (another guy), but I never discussed this with him. Still, I think he knows how I feel.

The problem is, if I visit my brother, I’ll have to see his partner, all the time. Also, I can’t stand the thought of my brother dying and never seeing him again. So mostly I’ve stayed away, talking to him on the phone.

Am I being selfish? He has maybe a year left. What do you think?

April

Dear April,

Sometimes we have to put our own feels of horror (over impending death) or loathing aside. This is one of those times.

I never tell anyone who detests a dying person to go visit. That’s bad — especially for the terminally ill who have enough on their minds (and in their bodies…) already.

But you love your brother. You are just afraid: of death, of his death, of your own feelings of impending loss. And of his partner, whom you dislike

I am not telling you to erase those feelings. That’s impossible. I’m just saying if you don’t go — regularly — to be at your brother’s side, you will never forgive yourself. A lifetime of guilt is not something you want, trust me.

So go visit your brother. Often. It won’t be forever, as you know. But the guilt, if you don’t go, will be.

Thanks for writing

Judy

My stepfather is 81 with congestive heart failure and other issues. He complains constantly to my mother and sister that I never visit him.

Actually, I do visit from time to time, but I think he forgets. Either that or he’s malicious. He always was, and I don’t expect him to change now.

The problem is my mother and sister believe him and they think I’m heartless. What do I do? How do I convince them?

Tess

Dear Tess

I don’t know why 2 family members don’t believe you. I think there’s a back story there I’m not privy to. But  I do know you don’t like your stepfather — for whatever reason.

In other words, there are some problems that cannot be solved, especially if part of the issue is left unsaid.

So continue on, visiting – or not visiting. And ignore the rest, if you can

Thanks for writing

Judy