Dear Judy,
I’m not sure I should be writing you. I don’t know whether I’m dying or not, but I think it can’t be good. I’ve had one mastectomy. Next Tuesday it will be two.
My son, who is 15, never knew about the breast cancer. Now that my husband and I are separated, I think I’m going to have to tell him about the disease and also the second mastectomy because afterwards I’ll undergo a lot of chemo, and my husband won’t be around to pinch-hit like he used to.
Judy, do I have to tell my teenage son about this in detail? His father just bugged out on us. I don’t want him thinking I’m going to bug out too — although for reasons beyond my control obviously.
If so, what do I say to my kid? If not, how do I hide it and still keep being a Mom?
Celia
Dear Celia,
I am so sorry about your bad news. To answer the most important qu4estion: At 15, your son is old enough to absorb bad news — but that’s not all. He’s also old enough to help out with chores, as I hope you know already.
In other words, some of those chores will now change: He can accompany you (after school hours) to the doctor; he can get your meds from the drug store; he can call the drug store if you need a refill. And he can help clean up around the house.
And speaking of duties: despite the separation, your husband is going to have to be very busy as well– with your son. I’m assuming (and hoping) the two stay in touch and see each other. Your son will need a lot of comfort during these next months, and a lot of help.
So yes, you need to talk to your son. Today. And you need to be candid. Try saying whatever you want to say in front of a mirror until it sounds right. Then after practice, say it to him. He not only needs to hear the truth. He has a right to it.
Thank you for writing
Judy
To answer this question properly, it is important to know if there are other adults around, e.g. grandparents, aunts and uncles, who may be able to run the errands and clean house.
Any 15-year-old with a TV set knows about breast cancer, especially metastasized cancer — and understands the implications. The kid is, without a doubt, imagining the worst. Celia should be honest with him. She doesn’t have to spell everything out, but she should let him in on her issues. He will never forgive her if she doesn’t.
Celia should also speak to her son’s teacher and other people in authority at school or in an organization he belongs to, such as church or scouts. He should not be expected to be a full time carer for his mother, the other frameworks should know what he is facing and help him cope. Moreover, these adults will assist him in deciding how and if to inform his friends.
As a fellow masectomy survivor, my heart goes out to Celia. From my experience as a mother to teens, I can promise you that Judy has given you excellent advice. However, you should try to find help from other survivors as well. I know from experience it’s not easy to swallow your pride and acknowledge neediness, but trust me, if you join a really good support group, you’ll benefit. And you’ll also find you end up helping others in the group — and elsewhere. It’s a great feeling. Sharing is the only gift that keeps on giving.
Amen to that. Celia should not only tell her son, she should be in touch with breast cancer support groups. The breast cancer community is one of the most supportive and active for those with the cancer and those who are close to them.
In fact her son’s reaction to the sad news may actually hearten and encourage her (I know what I’m talking about here. My mother had breast cancer, and she too was estranged from my father. When she told me, I was devastated — I was 18 — but I learned how to support her during bad times. That was 18 years ago, and she’s now fine. A true survivor in every sense of the term!).
I think Haley is right — Celia should tell.
He is 15 and he will understand.
Also — she should try and get support .