Dear Judy,
My sister died last winter. She had some alcohol in her blood, and it turns out she was driving too fast and she hit a tree. It was also dark, so maybe she simply couldn’t see and the wine she drank over dinner had nothing to do with the accident.
I don’t know.
My problem is, I was the one who served her the wine over dinner. She had 2 glasses, at least. I feel very guilty. Maybe I caused her death. My ex-husband says I should have known better, because my sister had a long ride home.
What do I do? I can’t sleep much at night, and my kids are looking at me strangely because I cry a lot.
Stephanie
Dear Stephanie,
I am so sorry your sister died. I think it is a tragedy for her, and obviously a tragedy for you.
Here’s what I think, since you asked. I think your sister was, like you, an adult. She knew her own capacity for alcohol consumption — possibly better than you ever did. She made her choice. And that choice, as you noted, may have had nothing to do with her accident, since it was dark outside.
Now here’s what I’d suggest you do.
1) Don’t confide anything — especially not your feelings of guilt or unhappiness over your sister — to your former husband. He’s not exactly your biggest cheerleader, from what you write. In fact, whatever you tell him is used as ammunition against you.
2) Do confide in a therapist. My guess is a fair amount of useless guilt — and guilt is useless — will evaporate that way. And you’ll sleep better. And you’ll stop crying eventually. Your children deserve an alert and functioning mother.
And you deserve a break.
Thank you for writing
Judy
