Abandon My Mother with Cervical Cancer? Or My Promotion?
Dear Judy,
My mother, who divorced my father some 20 years ago, was recently diagnosed with cervical cancer. I am her only child. And frankly I am — and have been since I was 19 – also my only means of support, as my father was a complete jerk and my mother was left with very little in a material way. (In fact, part of the time, I help support her).
Recently I received a promotion: it’s slightly more money, and it involves a lot of travel to and from LA, which is really great because I really want to end up working in the entertainment industry. Also, it gives me major clout. My mother seems to think I should abandon all that, ask for my previous job back (which involved zero travel, less money), and help care for her.
I am really torn with guilt right now. But also torn in other ways, too. How can I give up the extra income? The prestige? My plans for the future?
And at the same time, how can I abandon my mother when she is sick?
Elise in Illinois
Dear Elise,
Actually your mother may be in luck — and you too, for that matter. Cervical cancer, if caught early enough (meaning at Stage 1A) is almost never fatal. With surgery, it has a survival rate of up to 99 percent, and should be dealt with fairly expeditiously by competent medical professionals.
Even Stage II, where the cancer spreads beyond the uterus to adjacent tissue, has a survival rate of up to 69 percent. Common treatments in this instance include surgery, radiation and chemotherapy.
If your mother is in Stage II or beyond, and needs extra care, try to see if you can find someone sensible who might clean, care and cook for her while she is undergoing chemotherapy and radiation.
The person chosen doesn’t have to be a trained nurse. Just a pleasant and thoughtful caretaker who can help out while you are away or even while you’re at the office.
So as long as your mother hasn’t received a diagnosis of Stage III (43 percent survival rate) or worse, Stage IV cervical cancer, it seems to me that your mother will almost certainly be fine.
In other words, you don’t need to give up your promotion in order to be sure your mother survives her ordeal and flourishes.
Thank you for writing
Judy
September 18th, 2008 at 8:05 am
Not only should she not give up the promotion, she shouldn’t feel guilty about it. Phone calls are cheap these days, virtually everyone text messages or emails — so personal contact is feasible on many different levels. Maybe if Elise’s Mother has a close friend or neighbor, she or her mother could ask that friend to help out in a pinch. Maybe, Elise’s mother will surprise everyone and embrace ELise’s new job and new chapter in her life — which is clearly the kind of support and encouragement Elise needs.
Bert