My Brother’s Dead — But What About ME???
Dear Judy,
I am a freshman at a community college, and I was very disappointed with the advice you gave late last month to some woman who was horrified her neighbor kept going to visit her child’s grave, non-stop. Frankly, I thought you were totally clueless and you didn’t understand the situation or what people go through.
That could have been me writing, because I have such a similar story. My 14-year-old younger brother died in a car wreck — a friend was driving drunk – and for almost a year now, the entire family has been eating nothing but takeaway, the house is a total mess with dust and dirty dishes and laundry piled up everywhere, my Dad looks skinny and haunted, like he’s just seen a million ghosts, and my sister, who’s just been dumped by her jerk of a boyfriend, doesn’t have a real mom to console her.
That’s because our mom isn’t doing anything. She says she’s too depressed. But is that a reason?
Is this fair? I am 18 and I feel like a hundred. Our mom is out every day at my brother’s grave, which is 10 miles away, and by the time she gets home, her eyes are red from weeping and nothing’s been done. I come home from school to see stacks of dishes and sticky floors. It’s ridiculous!
We’re alive. We hurt too. But Mom seems to feel my dead brother is the only child she ever had.
Cynthia
Dear Cynthia,
I am so very sorry your mother’s grief is taking over every aspect of your lives. You are right. It isn’t fair. I think you know she isn’t doing this to make you miserable.
Since she isn’t the one who wrote in, I can’t give her appropriate advice (which would be: talk to a therapist. Today). But I can give it to you.
Talk to a therapist or a counselor. Today.
Here is some more advice: you can’t change your mother. But you can help clean up the house. You are over 18, and I’ll bet you know where the vacuum cleaner is. You can wash dishes, and by the way, so can your sister, even though she has a broken heart. You can learn to make simple dinners (so can your father; ask him to pitch in too, while you’re at it).
In other words, if your mother can’t manage, it’s up to the rest of you. I realize you’re hurting as well. But sometimes concentrating on the mindless things — housekeeping, grocery shopping, dusting — helps alleviate pain. Just do one simple thing today,- like the laundry. The rest will follow. I promise.
And the pain will subside.
Thank you for writing.
Judy
September 24th, 2008 at 9:26 am
Does your mother have a friend who lost a child? Do you know someone like that, or does your father? You should have them talk to your mother. She seems to think no one has ever been through something like this before, meeting with people who have done that and survived might help her.
September 24th, 2008 at 9:28 am
Show your father your letter. He sounds like he is at least doing his job if little else. Reading how you feel might help him snap out of it and then help to get your mother back on track.
September 24th, 2008 at 9:30 am
Surely you can find a support group for grieving parents? One that will reach out to her? Or a group for bereaved siblings, which could help you cope? No one should be expected to go through something like this on their own.
September 24th, 2008 at 10:41 am
I don’t want to sound callous, but that whole family, and I mean mother, father and children, are self centered, and I can bet you they were like that before the tragedy. They are all behaving as though each is alone in this problem. Help, I lost a child! Help, the dishes are dirty! Help, my boyfriend dumped me! Well sorry, shit happens. Get a life.
September 24th, 2008 at 12:17 pm
The therapist advice is very good. I would add that Cynthia should take the lead in getting her sister and father together and agree that the way they are going is no way for the family to live,. They need to pull togehter, delegate tasks that each can do until the time the mother, on her own, comes back to life, so to speak.
Dan