Alzheimer’s Amazons: Do-Gooders Drive Us Nuts
Dear Judy,
We have the opposite problem of everyone else who seems to be writing you. My mother has Alzheimer’s as well as other forms of dementia, and it’s pretty advanced. She is still living with us, although I don’t know for how long. It’s bad; she has maybe 2 years left before the curtain drops.
The problem is all our do-gooder friends. They give us advice, when we don’t ask for it, on whatever they’ve heard or read on the Internet: this miracle herb, that fabulous vitamin, that amazing drug trial in Singapore or London.
Ok. We’re nice people. We smile and say Thank you so much, Mrs. Moronski, we’ll certainly do some research into whatever you suggest! The problem is, when they next see us — this happens all the time – they want to know if we’ve followed up on their advice, and whether they were right all along.
Judy, we’re dealing with some awfully tough days and months and years here. You know what Alzheimer’s is like; our mother used to be as smart as a whip. She no longer recognizes people in her family, me included — although sometimes she talks about us in the third person, recollecting assorted incidents and facts from our lives.
It’s heartbreaking, and frankly, she has a good neurologist and he’s doing the best he can for her. Which at this late stage isn’t much. And that’s it. There are medications like Aricept, as you probably know, but they don’t work for very long.
How can I tell these well-meaning but tiresome jerks to butt out. Without, you know, actually telling them that in those exact words.
Amy in Toronto
Dear Amy,
The reason the well-meaning drive everyone nuts is because at heart a number of them are actually concerned more about themselves or at least the wisdom they dispense than about the circumstances or health of the terminally ill. Meaning, as you’ve noticed among your own group of do-gooders, they don’t do all that much good — but you’re supposed to be grateful anyway.
My advice: whatever they suggest (and I don’t care if it’s voodoo…), smile, then reply, “Thank you, we tried that. It doesn’t work.”
At least that way, you can actually put a stop to any follow-up conversations.
Thank you for writing
Judy
September 29th, 2008 at 6:04 am
Do we share friends? I was in exactly the same situation! I would NEVER do what Judy suggests. Try her line of approach, and you’re going to get MORE stupid suggestions for miracle cures for Alzheimers, an you’ll have to invent more stupid ways to cut the conversation short. In my experience the response which worked best was to thank them very much for their care and concern and say that you have implicit trust in the doctor and have made a decision to follow his directions precisely.You can add (and who will knw you’re lying?) that when your mother was still well, she told you not to trust anyone but her doctor. This will stop further dumb remarks or unsolicited advice.