Dear Judy,
Although everyone in the family — even our family physician — went to great lengths to describe my wife’s death last year as an accident, I know deep down that it probably wasn’t. She always suffered from low-grade depression, and she refused to see a therapist. Also: after dropping off our two young kids at her mother’s, she went home, took certain tranquilizers with far too much vodka.
I was away on a business trip (my girlfriend was with me at the time, which makes me feel especially guilty). When I came home the next day she was in our bed, dead. So I think the whole thing was pretty well planned.
My question is — what, if anything, do I tell my kids who are now 8 and 6? One day or other someone is going to tell them something. Shouldn’t I be the first to tell them the truth? Shouldn’t I tell them now?
At least I’d be able to phrase it in a dignified and delicate way, which I bet some of my late wife’s relations won’t. Especially since a few of them, especially my mother-in-law, hate me, maybe rightly so, for the way I behaved while my wife was alive.
Tom in Connecticut
Dear Tom,
Your children are very young. They know their mother died while they were staying at their grandmother’s house. That is all they have to know for the present. And you should be the last person to suggest it was suicide.
Also — if I may — to this day you don’t know for sure whether or not your wife’s death was intentional or an accident. You feel guilty, and that has everything to do with your belief that your infidelity pushed her over the brink . But perhaps nothing to do with what really transpired.
My suggestion? Say nothing — ever — about what you suspect may have caused her death. Others may. You can’t help that. But if your children, at whatever age, ask if their mother was suicidal, your reply should be the same: “The doctor said it was an accident.”
That’s all you really know for sure.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
You owe it to your wife to have your kids think she was a wonderful woman. Telling them anything other than that is simply dealing with your own guilt. Defend her when others speak otherwise. Forget the nuances, just be a stand up guy for a change.
Martin
You obviously have a lot of guilt. Don’t even think about sharing it with your children. They’ve had enough in their lives: a sick mother and a philandering father. I think they’ve suffered enough.
Tom needs a ton of help. Right now I don’t think he is fit to raise farm animals, much less children.