How Do I Duck Out of a Funeral Gig Planned by a Friend with Breast Cancer?
Dear Judy,
An acquaintance who has breast cancer, now in remission, is doing what I’ve noticed you always tell your readers to do: planning everything about her final days and months long in advance. In this instance, she’s also planning her funeral, which is the one planned event I haven’t really seen you recommend.
Anyway, she obviously thinks we’re far better friends than we actually are, because she’s asked me to speak at her funeral and deliver some kind of eulogy.
To be brief: I don’t want to. In the years I’ve gotten to know her, this woman has occasionally been very selfish. She’s always asking others to perform certain favors, which she never chooses to return. I also can’t count the times I’ve been expected to pick up the restaurant check — her fingers may wiggle a little, but they never actually manage to make it to her wallet. And believe me, there’s nothing wrong with her motor skills when a hamburger is set before her.
What do I do? How do I say NO? I mean without being totally rude.
Ruth in New York City
Dear Ruth.
Here’s what you do. Tell this acquaintance that you’re a lousy public speaker, and that you hate giving speeches. No one can really quarrel with that. Her pride won’t be offended, and she’ll look around for a substitute.
And by the way, I always tell people it’s a good idea to plan their funeral in advance — even if they’re in perfect health. A planned funeral, the details of which should be put in writing and circulated among friends and relatives, is a great way to avoid graveside spats — and you don’t have to catch the matinee of ”Julius Caesar” to know those kind of fights are the most durable and vicious of all.
Thank you for writing
Judy
October 10th, 2008 at 6:10 am
Judy’s advice will only work if you are a lousy public speaker. If your so-called friend knows you are not, you can say that you get very emotional in funerals and just can’t trust yourself. And if she’s heard you perform eloquently at some previous funeral, you can say that you will be very emotional at hers. Which will probably be true, in a weird way..
October 10th, 2008 at 6:14 am
Will it kill you to do a sick person the tiny favor of saying a few good things about her when she’s dead? I real find your whining pathetic at this late stage. Despite all her shortcomings, you chose to continue eating with her in public places, and go on seeing her. Surely she must have something decent about her — or you would have terminated this dysfunctional relationship long ago. Can’t you find it in you to focus on that?
October 10th, 2008 at 6:18 am
Seems to me this woman is totally lacking awareness. Ignore the bad stuff — it’s history — and pretend it just never happened.
October 10th, 2008 at 6:21 am
Just one other thing, if I may: if she feels close enough to ask you to speak about her at her funeral, she might also be grateful if you told her what is bugging you. She is clearly looking for closure, doesn’tt want to leave an angry friend behind. Do it gently, of course, or humorously. If you can.
October 10th, 2008 at 7:41 am
Robert, are you kidding? You actually suggest telling a woman who is focusing on her upcoming demise what a rotten friend she has been? What precisely are you trying to achieve? Make her feel worse? She doesn’t have enought to worry her? Just let it go and focus on the good things.
October 10th, 2008 at 9:59 am
Geena has it right. Despite her faults you continued the relationship for a long time. You must have had reasons for doing so. So put your grievances aside. In other words, be charitable and make peace with yourself — and your friend.
Ossie