How Do I Make Amends?
Dear Judy,
When my neighbor’s oldest child died of a rare genetic disease three years ago, my neighbor felt I was not as sympathetic and helpful as she would have wished. (I heard this from several other people). And maybe I wasn’t. At the time I was going through a horrible divorce, and a child custody fight, and I think these personal difficulties may have made me seem remote, preoccupied or even callous when my neighbor needed help. I know she has been chilly with me ever since. But I also know I was in a state at the time, and I really never confided in anyone back then.
Now her youngest has been diagnosed with the same dreadful illness — she has two others who are perfectly healthy and lucked out, but obviously she is completely distraught about her youngest child. I want to make amends for my former behavior, but I just don’t know how.
Do I a) tell her what I was going through three years ago by way of explanation? Or b) ask forgiveness for my previous behavior? Or c) do I just offer help, without comment or excuses?
Jeanine in L.A.
Dear Jeanine,
The right answer is: c. You don’t make excuses; you just offer to help out. And don’t be vague about your pitch (as in, “If there’s anything I can do to help, just call”).
Be specific. Tell your neighbor, you’ll be happy to take her healthy kids to sports events; or to babysit. Or pick up medications from the local drug store. Bring over dinner for the whole family, set it on the kitchen table — and don’t expect your neighbor to chat when you do so (unless she wants to). She’ll be tired at the end of the day.
I promise you, if you perform any one – or all — of these tasks, your neighbor will consider you in a new light. And you’ll be feeling better about yourself.
Thank you for writing,
Judy
