Dear Judy,

I’m  married to a very good guy, and I can’t say that was always the case. Ten years ago, I left an abusive first husband, who also happens to be the father of my two grown daughters (and the grandfather of our three small grandchildren).

My ex is dying. My grown daughters visit him frequently, and when they do, always dump the grandkids at my house. I love my grandchildren, but it’s getting a little overwhelming at home: toys everywhere, poopy diapers, etc. Also, even my nice husband is getting fed up. Which I understand. I mean my ex was a famous drunk (famous in every way), and when inebriated used to slap me around, which at least one of my daughters witnessed.

So all this love and attention come as a surprise. I’m fed up with the extra work. And to be truthful, I’m astonished and hurt by this outpouring of affection and concern for someone who was, not to put too fine a point on it, a total bastard to me.

Should I say something to my girls?

Jenny

Dear Jenny,

Yes. I take it you’re not in the habit of sticking up for yourself, so it might be a good idea to start now. Say something about involuntary servitude right away. If you don’t want to, you don’t have to detail your reasons – although since your daughters are adults, I don’t see why you should keep quiet about your ex’s violent streak to those daughters who never witnessed it.

Tell your grown children that the days of impromptu childcare are over. You wish to pick and choose the days and times you will look after their kids. If they want to visit their father, I’m sure they can find professional babysitters to watch their offspring.

Thank you for writing.

Judy

This entry was posted on Monday, August 18th, 2008 at 4:15 am and is filed under Advice. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.