My Mother is Killing My Father
Dear Judy,
I hear you get a lot of emails from people who don’t think dying is the worst thing that can happen to a person. But I do. My father is in hospice care, and my mother and sister want his feeding tube removed. I think that’s about on a par with murder.
My father has thyroid cancer, but he’s not dead. As far as I know, he has weeks, maybe more, to live. I can’t even ask him about his own wishes, because he can no longer talk.
But he designated my mother as the person who should make health care decisions for him, and I think that was a big mistake. Can it be corrected? Can I countermand her decisions?
Frank in Dallas
Dear Frank,
I’m assuming here that your father has an Advance Medical Directive, since you say your mother was “appointed” to make end of life decisions by him. Which basically means, no, you can’t override your mother’s decisions.
And I want to explain something to you, which you didn’t ask but which is very important. Dying people do not need food. That may seem strange, but it’s true. Your father is near death. Food will make him uncomfortable and so, by the way, will intubation. What your father needs now is support and love. And so does your mother.
The best thing you can do right now is provide those things.
Thank you for writing
Judy
