Dear Judy,

I read your advice about a month ago to the woman who was going through a bad divorce when her husband died — and she didn’t feel like acting like a grieving widow because it was so hypocritical. I have a more difficult problem.

Four years ago, I too went through a nasty divorce from a nasty guy. Then I met the love of my life: a kind, thoughtful and intelligent man. We never married — in fact we lived in different cities, so we had to drive a considerable distance to our reunions. But we managed to see each other once a week, we vacationed together, and we were faithful and loving.

He died two months ago of pancreatic cancer. The end was very swift. But my problem is this: I don’t know how to define myself now that he’s dead. In the eyes of his close friends, maybe I’m basically his widow, because we were so close. Should I call myself a widow? That’s what I feel like, even though we never married.

But I’m really a divorcee — from a guy I can’t think of without flinching.

Marie in Sacremento

Dear Marie,

I am very sorry your dear friend has died. But right now I think that’s your only true problem: the feeling of loss.

How you refer to this man is up to you. But if I were in your shoes, I’d simply tell the truth: he was the love of your life. And he died. You don’t have to give any more details to anyone. You certainly don’t have to call yourself a divorcee — in fact I think that’s a pretty old-fashioned term.

So if someone asks, just stick to the hard facts. They speak volumes. And they are quite enough.

Thank you for writing

Judy

 

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