The $4,000 Diamond Earrings Should Have Been Left to Me!
Dear Judy,
Six years ago, when my best friend and I were in our late 20’s, she noticed a pair of diamond-and-seed pearl pendant earrings in my jewelry box, and tried them on. They were really beautiful, appraised at $4,000, but I told her to keep them. I know that sounds odd, especially since they were left to me by my grandmother. But for an entire year, when I was out of work, my friend let me stay in her flat, rent-free, and she never said a word. Also, she paid for all the groceries (I did the cooking), the electricity, the cable TV and WiFi — everything.
I thought those beautiful diamond earrings were the least I could give her.
Then my friend got married to a very nice guy. I got a good job (which I still have) and moved to my own place. A year after her wedding, my friend got breast cancer, a very aggressive sort. It recurred, metastasized, and she was very sick. She died last week, intestate believe it or not. So I guess her husband gets everything.
Judy, I just don’t know what to do. I loved those earrings and I loved my friend. When she wore them, which wasn’t often, they looked lovely on her. But now she’s dead, and frankly I’d like them back. Can I say anything about the earrings to her husband? After all, he can’t wear them, can he now? Or would mentioning my late friend’s jewelry seem too crass?
I’ll do — or not do — whatever you suggest.
Rebecca in Sydney
Dear Rebecca,
I think a week after a young woman’s passing is a bit soon to mention expensive jewelry and your late friend in the same breath. Especially to a widower.
But I do think, after 8 months or so, you can judge for yourself how well your friend’s husband is bearing up. If he seems better, you can mention that the earrings you loved and received from your grandmother were your gift to her. You might offer to buy them back.
If he in turn offers to make those diamond earrings a gift to you, then by all means accept. If he names a price, you can either accept or demur. But do remember: the earrings were your friend’s. They are not yours. You gave up your rights to them some time ago, and their fate depends on the decision of someone who lost something far more precious than jewelry.
Thank you for writing
Judy
October 1st, 2008 at 5:26 pm
One aspect isn’t clear-namely did the husband know that the earrings came from Rebecca? If he did then to my mind the subject is over. When you give a gift, you give a gift — and one moves on from there.
Eddie
October 2nd, 2008 at 1:35 am
Eddie is right. The husband must know where the earrings originated. He obviousuy heard the whole story, eg his wife may have said “Rebecca is such an amazing friend, they were her grandmother’s — I love old jewelry!”So he doesn”t need to be reminded, or even told where those earrings came from. He knows exactly whom they used to belong to.
October 2nd, 2008 at 1:38 am
In eight months those earrings could well be decorating the ears of the new woman in his life. I am not saying this to be judgmental — just trying to tell you that some men recover quicker than others!
October 2nd, 2008 at 1:41 am
You are obviously both hurting. I think Judy is totally wrong. If you even bring up the idea that the diamond earrings are ‘your’ jewelry, he may be so hurt he will never talk to you again. I think you should have a mutual friend talk to him about the earrings, if they are so damn important to you.
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:23 am
Unless the widower is very rich, do not either ask for or accept the earrings you once gave his wife — as a gift, don’t forget. It was his late wife — your big friend — who forked out whatever it cost to maintain you for a year, probably more than your gift. So on balance their joint account, which is now his, is in the red when it comes to you.