Dear Judy,

A few weeks ago, a good friend and co-worker died of malignant melanoma.  In fact my only good friend at the company where I work.

I didn’t visit her in her last months for a lot of reasons, the most important being she was constantly in and out of the in-patient unit of our local hospice, where there were two patients with Hepatitis C. I have a very compromised immune system – the result of HIV/AIDS. Her family knew my condition and understood; so did my dying friend who, at my request, kept my confidences and I believe never told a soul.

My problem? Practically everyone else at work. I have never discussed my own issues with the rest of my co-workers or, least of all, my bosses. I never felt the need, and also, to be truthful, I was always worried that someone in our company would exploit my fragile health in a way that might turn out unfortunate for my prospects of advancement. I work in a pretty competitive atmosphere and you wouldn’t believe the things they use against you. One man here had a very sick kid, and sometimes had to care for the child when his wife couldn’t, and they even used these occasional absences against him. He finally couldn’t take it, and left.

Anyway, ever since my colleague died, all I’m hearing are questions from co-workers about why I was never by her side when they came around to visit. Some of these questions are phrased in a really offensive way. Like, “I always thought the two of you were so close. Didn’t you care she was dying?”

What should I say in response, Judy? Or should I say nothing at all and just flip them the bird, or something? Maybe that’s a more eloquent solution, come to think of it.

Eric in Seattle

Dear Eric,

To answer your last question first: No, don’t flip your colleagues the bird. It will just provoke them, and they sound nasty enough already.

What you might say if asked — and only if asked — is: “My friend and I said our goodbyes in private.” That should douse their curiosity, if only temporarily.

And by the way: I know the economy isn’t great, to say the least. But even so – maybe it’s time for you to at least look for another job. You might find work in a company staffed with more congenial colleagues.

Thank you for writing

Judy

This entry was posted on Thursday, September 25th, 2008 at 4:16 am and is filed under Advice. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.