My Sister the Crazy LadyMonday, October 6th, 2008Dear Judy, My older sister is 50; until a year ago, she was in great health. Then she got a malignant brain tumor, and we all know she’s dying. Well everyone but my sister, who insists she can be cured. She’s tried everything: juice fasts, herbal diets, macrobiotic diets. She even got hold of a voodoo practitioner (I have no idea how) — and all this has cost her huge amounts of cash. And done her no good. How can we — by which I mean the rest of our family, including her husband, who’s very devoted but also driven nuts by all this — persuade her to stop. Lilli in NYC Dear Lilli, Your sister will stop, but most likely only when her energy and will to live does. I am sorry to put it so bluntly, but if her husband can’t put an end to these desperate measures, I have small hope for you or anyone else in her family. My advice? Say nothing more on the subject. I’m sure you’ve already given her your opinion, and so most likely has everyone else. And I know you’ll be there for her, when everything else fails. Thank you for writing Judy
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Do I Have to Tell the Truth About My Wife Who Killed Herself?Friday, October 3rd, 2008Dear Judy, Although everyone in the family — even our family physician — went to great lengths to describe my wife’s death last year as an accident, I know deep down that it probably wasn’t. She always suffered from low-grade depression, and she refused to see a therapist. Also: after dropping off our two young kids at her mother’s, she went home, took certain tranquilizers with far too much vodka. I was away on a business trip (my girlfriend was with me at the time, which makes me feel especially guilty). When I came home the next day she was in our bed, dead. So I think the whole thing was pretty well planned. My question is — what, if anything, do I tell my kids who are now 8 and 6? One day or other someone is going to tell them something. Shouldn’t I be the first to tell them the truth? Shouldn’t I tell them now? At least I’d be able to phrase it in a dignified and delicate way, which I bet some of my late wife’s relations won’t. Especially since a few of them, especially my mother-in-law, hate me, maybe rightly so, for the way I behaved while my wife was alive. Tom in Connecticut Dear Tom, Your children are very young. They know their mother died while they were staying at their grandmother’s house. That is all they have to know for the present. And you should be the last person to suggest it was suicide. Also — if I may — to this day you don’t know for sure whether or not your wife’s death was intentional or an accident. You feel guilty, and that has everything to do with your belief that your infidelity pushed her over the brink . But perhaps nothing to do with what really transpired. My suggestion? Say nothing — ever — about what you suspect may have caused her death. Others may. You can’t help that. But if your children, at whatever age, ask if their mother was suicidal, your reply should be the same: “The doctor said it was an accident.” That’s all you really know for sure. Thank you for writing, Judy
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The Teacher with Breast Cancer is Terrifying My SonThursday, October 2nd, 2008Dear Judy, My son’s in second grade. His teacher has breast cancer which I gather has metastasized. So she’s often absent, and when she is in class, she looks like a ghost. I’ve been to a PTA meeting when she was there, so I know. My son lost a grandfather (my father) in May, so he really is traumatized by all this. I’ve tried to talk to the principal to get her to maybe give this teacher permanent leave – so have a number of other parents – but after one conversation, which ended very badly, she won’t take my calls. Should I keep on calling, anyway, trying to reason with her? I’m glad the school is sensitive to this teacher’s feelings, but what about the children she’s supposed to instruct? Don’t you think the school should care more about them than the teacher? Julia in Denver Dear Julia, To start with your last question: don’t I think the school should worry more about the children than a very sick teacher? No. Should you keep on calling the principal who refuses to speak with you after you tried to get a sick woman fired? No. Here’s what you didn’t ask — which I will answer anyway. What should a mother tell a young boy whose teacher is very ill? That we must be especially thoughtful and kind with that teacher because bad luck can strike anywhere, anyone, any time. Keep that in mind next time the urge to kick a person when she’s down strikes you. Thank you for writing Judy
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The $4,000 Diamond Earrings Should Have Been Left to Me!Wednesday, October 1st, 2008Dear Judy, Six years ago, when my best friend and I were in our late 20’s, she noticed a pair of diamond-and-seed pearl pendant earrings in my jewelry box, and tried them on. They were really beautiful, appraised at $4,000, but I told her to keep them. I know that sounds odd, especially since they were left to me by my grandmother. But for an entire year, when I was out of work, my friend let me stay in her flat, rent-free, and she never said a word. Also, she paid for all the groceries (I did the cooking), the electricity, the cable TV and WiFi — everything. I thought those beautiful diamond earrings were the least I could give her. Then my friend got married to a very nice guy. I got a good job (which I still have) and moved to my own place. A year after her wedding, my friend got breast cancer, a very aggressive sort. It recurred, metastasized, and she was very sick. She died last week, intestate believe it or not. So I guess her husband gets everything. Judy, I just don’t know what to do. I loved those earrings and I loved my friend. When she wore them, which wasn’t often, they looked lovely on her. But now she’s dead, and frankly I’d like them back. Can I say anything about the earrings to her husband? After all, he can’t wear them, can he now? Or would mentioning my late friend’s jewelry seem too crass? I’ll do — or not do — whatever you suggest. Rebecca in Sydney Dear Rebecca, I think a week after a young woman’s passing is a bit soon to mention expensive jewelry and your late friend in the same breath. Especially to a widower. But I do think, after 8 months or so, you can judge for yourself how well your friend’s husband is bearing up. If he seems better, you can mention that the earrings you loved and received from your grandmother were your gift to her. You might offer to buy them back. If he in turn offers to make those diamond earrings a gift to you, then by all means accept. If he names a price, you can either accept or demur. But do remember: the earrings were your friend’s. They are not yours. You gave up your rights to them some time ago, and their fate depends on the decision of someone who lost something far more precious than jewelry. Thank you for writing Judy
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Death at Birth: Bad Joke, Bad AfterlifeTuesday, September 30th, 2008Dear Judy, My mother died in childbirth — mine. That was 43 years ago. My father remarried; his second wife was a wonderful mother to me. I was lucky. Their two sons — my half-brothers — are terrific. Unfortunately at some point, maybe during a seriously bad patch of my rough adolescence, someone cracked a joke about my origins of life, as it were. Like, “Don’t get on Ellie’s bad side, she’s a killer.” At the time, I thought that was pretty funny. Anyway, it used to get me out of some of my awful moods. Now, with two kids of my own entering adolescence, I don’t think it’s funny at all. At family gathering’s, they’re still likely to hear, “You know your Mom’s a real killer.” What do I do? Ellie (don’t reveal my city; everyone will know it’s me) Dear Ellie, What do you do? Tell them to stop. Thank you for writing, Judy
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Alzheimer’s Amazons: Do-Gooders Drive Us NutsMonday, September 29th, 2008Dear Judy, We have the opposite problem of everyone else who seems to be writing you. My mother has Alzheimer’s as well as other forms of dementia, and it’s pretty advanced. She is still living with us, although I don’t know for how long. It’s bad; she has maybe 2 years left before the curtain drops. The problem is all our do-gooder friends. They give us advice, when we don’t ask for it, on whatever they’ve heard or read on the Internet: this miracle herb, that fabulous vitamin, that amazing drug trial in Singapore or London. Ok. We’re nice people. We smile and say Thank you so much, Mrs. Moronski, we’ll certainly do some research into whatever you suggest! The problem is, when they next see us — this happens all the time – they want to know if we’ve followed up on their advice, and whether they were right all along. Judy, we’re dealing with some awfully tough days and months and years here. You know what Alzheimer’s is like; our mother used to be as smart as a whip. She no longer recognizes people in her family, me included — although sometimes she talks about us in the third person, recollecting assorted incidents and facts from our lives. It’s heartbreaking, and frankly, she has a good neurologist and he’s doing the best he can for her. Which at this late stage isn’t much. And that’s it. There are medications like Aricept, as you probably know, but they don’t work for very long. How can I tell these well-meaning but tiresome jerks to butt out. Without, you know, actually telling them that in those exact words. Amy in Toronto Dear Amy, The reason the well-meaning drive everyone nuts is because at heart a number of them are actually concerned more about themselves or at least the wisdom they dispense than about the circumstances or health of the terminally ill. Meaning, as you’ve noticed among your own group of do-gooders, they don’t do all that much good — but you’re supposed to be grateful anyway. My advice: whatever they suggest (and I don’t care if it’s voodoo…), smile, then reply, “Thank you, we tried that. It doesn’t work.” At least that way, you can actually put a stop to any follow-up conversations. Thank you for writing Judy
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Cirrhosis & The Stepfather from HellFriday, September 26th, 2008Dear Judy, Our mother is dying of cirrhosis of the liver, and my guess is (and the doctor’s) — she has maybe four or five months left. She looks distended, obviously. She’s pretty lethargic, but when she’s awake, I think she understands most of what we say. My problem is our stepfather. He’s not a bad man. He stands to inherit a lot of our mother’s estate, and we don’t begrudge him the money. There’s enough to go around. But he doesn’t go along with a lot of our mother’s favorite causes: she always gave generously to animal rights organizations, and groups that tried to end the exploitation of child labor and prison labor. While Mom was healthy, he played along never investing in cosmetic or drug companies that experimented on animals, for instance. Now all that has changed. I know because he told both me and my sister what he’s up to financially. Which, aside from everything else, is in really poor taste. Also, he says, when our mother dies, he’ll be investing a lot of her money in places like China and Thailand. Which are not exactly big on child labor laws or animal rights. So what should I do? Tell my sick mother? Go to an attorney and have him lean on our stepfather? Talk to our stepfather (I don’t think it will do a bit of good…) Tina in New Hampshire Dear Tina, I think you wrote one sentence that is at the root of your problem: “When our mother dies, he’ll be investing even more of her money…” Actually, when your mother dies, a fair portion of the money, as you yourself acknowledged, will be your stepfather’s, to do with as he wishes. I realize that what he wishes doesn’t make you happy. And I also know it wasn’t exactly considerate on his part, especially while your mother is dying, to boast about the nature of his future investments. My guess is the man has a lot of anger in him, and a good portion of it is directed at your mother. She is one of 28,000 people a year in this country who die of cirrhosis; in general it’s caused by heavy drinking. So perhaps that’s what’s at the root of his misdirected rage. But unless there’s some stipulation in your mother’s will about the uses the inheritance will be put to, your stepfather is within his rights to invest as he sees fit. And I can’t imagine bothering a dying woman with your objections — however righteous you believe them to be. Thank you for writing, Judy
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I Have AIDS: Why Should I Have to Make Excuses?Thursday, September 25th, 2008Dear Judy, A few weeks ago, a good friend and co-worker died of malignant melanoma. In fact my only good friend at the company where I work. I didn’t visit her in her last months for a lot of reasons, the most important being she was constantly in and out of the in-patient unit of our local hospice, where there were two patients with Hepatitis C. I have a very compromised immune system – the result of HIV/AIDS. Her family knew my condition and understood; so did my dying friend who, at my request, kept my confidences and I believe never told a soul. My problem? Practically everyone else at work. I have never discussed my own issues with the rest of my co-workers or, least of all, my bosses. I never felt the need, and also, to be truthful, I was always worried that someone in our company would exploit my fragile health in a way that might turn out unfortunate for my prospects of advancement. I work in a pretty competitive atmosphere and you wouldn’t believe the things they use against you. One man here had a very sick kid, and sometimes had to care for the child when his wife couldn’t, and they even used these occasional absences against him. He finally couldn’t take it, and left. Anyway, ever since my colleague died, all I’m hearing are questions from co-workers about why I was never by her side when they came around to visit. Some of these questions are phrased in a really offensive way. Like, “I always thought the two of you were so close. Didn’t you care she was dying?” What should I say in response, Judy? Or should I say nothing at all and just flip them the bird, or something? Maybe that’s a more eloquent solution, come to think of it. Eric in Seattle Dear Eric, To answer your last question first: No, don’t flip your colleagues the bird. It will just provoke them, and they sound nasty enough already. What you might say if asked — and only if asked — is: “My friend and I said our goodbyes in private.” That should douse their curiosity, if only temporarily. And by the way: I know the economy isn’t great, to say the least. But even so – maybe it’s time for you to at least look for another job. You might find work in a company staffed with more congenial colleagues. Thank you for writing Judy
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My Brother’s Dead — But What About ME???Wednesday, September 24th, 2008Dear Judy, I am a freshman at a community college, and I was very disappointed with the advice you gave late last month to some woman who was horrified her neighbor kept going to visit her child’s grave, non-stop. Frankly, I thought you were totally clueless and you didn’t understand the situation or what people go through. That could have been me writing, because I have such a similar story. My 14-year-old younger brother died in a car wreck — a friend was driving drunk – and for almost a year now, the entire family has been eating nothing but takeaway, the house is a total mess with dust and dirty dishes and laundry piled up everywhere, my Dad looks skinny and haunted, like he’s just seen a million ghosts, and my sister, who’s just been dumped by her jerk of a boyfriend, doesn’t have a real mom to console her. That’s because our mom isn’t doing anything. She says she’s too depressed. But is that a reason? Is this fair? I am 18 and I feel like a hundred. Our mom is out every day at my brother’s grave, which is 10 miles away, and by the time she gets home, her eyes are red from weeping and nothing’s been done. I come home from school to see stacks of dishes and sticky floors. It’s ridiculous! We’re alive. We hurt too. But Mom seems to feel my dead brother is the only child she ever had. Cynthia Dear Cynthia, I am so very sorry your mother’s grief is taking over every aspect of your lives. You are right. It isn’t fair. I think you know she isn’t doing this to make you miserable. Since she isn’t the one who wrote in, I can’t give her appropriate advice (which would be: talk to a therapist. Today). But I can give it to you. Talk to a therapist or a counselor. Today. Here is some more advice: you can’t change your mother. But you can help clean up the house. You are over 18, and I’ll bet you know where the vacuum cleaner is. You can wash dishes, and by the way, so can your sister, even though she has a broken heart. You can learn to make simple dinners (so can your father; ask him to pitch in too, while you’re at it). In other words, if your mother can’t manage, it’s up to the rest of you. I realize you’re hurting as well. But sometimes concentrating on the mindless things — housekeeping, grocery shopping, dusting — helps alleviate pain. Just do one simple thing today,- like the laundry. The rest will follow. I promise. And the pain will subside. Thank you for writing. Judy
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Do We Have to Tell My Mother About Colon Cancer?Tuesday, September 23rd, 2008Dear Judy, My 48-year-old sister has colon cancer which has spread everywhere; the doctors say she has maybe nine to ten months left. She is also in pain, which we are trying to get the doctors to deal with. The issue is our mother, who suffering from dementia: small strokes in the brain mixed with what is very likely Alzheimer’s. My brother and my husband say we have to tell my mother her oldest daughter is near death, it’s our duty. I say — why? My mother forgets everything. So I’m torn between what is moral and what is most painful. And I can’t figure out which is which. And I don’t think the other family members can either. My sister is pretty well beyond caring either way. Can you help? Fiona in London Dear Fiona, First things first: pain these days, even very bad pain, is a manageable problem. With the right medications, morphine and methadone among them, almost anyone’s pain can be greatly relieved. No one has to suffer like you say your sister does. So if one doctor doesn’t prescribe the right drugs for your sister (or — just as important – doesn’t prescribe enough of the right drugs) please switch doctors for her sake. Second: if your mother is as bad off as you suggest, I cannot imagine why you would tell her one of her children is near death. She will simply forget it the next minute, and then you or your brother will be forced to repeat the horrible news. Again and again. There too we have suffering that is needless. And that’s one of many things I don’t believe in. Thank you for writing. Judy
So in both cases, make sure
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