What’s The Best Way to Help A Widow Who had The Perfect Husband?Wednesday, November 19th, 2008Dear Judy, I know you’re going to think this is a dumb question. We’re a group of four friends, and one of us lost her husband just 2 months ago. She has 3 kids, ranging in age from 9 to 15. Her husband was a house-husband so until just recently life was pretty easy on her, Frankly we all envied her. Her husband used to take out the garbage, feed the two dogs, prepare breakfasts — and dinners — for the whole family, shopped, cleaned up. He even on one occasion repaired the roof! (well some tiles had slipped…but still. I thought it was pretty amazing). Now all that’s gone of course. We helped with the funeral arrangements, and we helped her write thank you notes to those who sent condolence notes or flowers. But we’re pretty much puzzling what to do now. Do we call a lot? A little? Our friend works for a major law firm in town, so she’s often away from the house, and we don’t want to bother her. On the other hand, she might need us, but not want to beg. Obviously we can’t patch roofs! But do you think she needs other help? Maybe she wants to talk? Or mourn? Can you suggest a course of action? Anne Dear Anne, I don’t think the question is dumb. It is difficult with certain people to know exactly how far you should go in your efforts to help someone unusually competent, as your friend seems to be. You mention she has 3 kids who used to be cared for by her late husband. Why not offer — especially if one of you has kids yourself — a weekend sleepover for one or more of those kids? Or bring over a dinner or two for the family? Or — yes — just call one Saturday and ask your friend if she’d like to join you in a movie or an afternoon concert? You’ll be able to tell by her reaction just how much she needs from her support group. My guess, given how recent the death of her husband, is that she’ll need quite a lot. And that she’ll be very grateful for it. Thank you for writing. Judy
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My Friend with Cardiac Myopathy Won’t Let Me VisitTuesday, November 18th, 2008Dear Judy, I have a dear friend with a virus in his heart — cardiac myopathy, I’m told, something I’d never heard of before. For some reason he just hasn’t been selected for a transplant. He’s dying. He lives in New York. I live on the other Coast. He says he’s too tired for visitors, and I think he’s also too depressed and plain sad. I really do want to see him. I can fly out any time. When I phone, I just don’t know what to say except that — that I want to see him. But I also don’t want to put him out, or act like he has to see me when he’s weak and tired and sad. I don’t know what to say or do when we speak. I can hardly bring myself to call, I feel like crying all the time. Do you have any advice? Lucy in Orange County Dear Lucy, I am so very sorry about your friend. I know you want to see him once more. But he has made this much clear: he is not ready at this time for visits, even from those he loves. To be honest, he may not ever change his mind. What you must understand is that his reluctance has nothing to do with his feelings towards you. The dying very often are weak and depressed — and patients with very severe cardiac myopathy (about 20 percent of those who get it) suffer especially overwhelming fatigue, in addition to fever, weakened left ventricular functions and bad chest pains. In other words, visits, even from those closest to them, are tremendously taxing. Also, and I suspect this is the case with your friend, many are worried they might not be able to welcome guests as they deserve. Sometimes the disease progresses even after the virus is long gone. The immune system keeps on damaging the heart. So for now, I’d suggest offering other forms of love and consolation. Continue phoning, no matter how difficult the conversations. But when you call, be practical. If he loves movies, maybe you might offer to rent some for him from an online video site. If you know his taste in books, you might buy and send a few. If there are prepared foods he enjoys, these too can be delivered. In other words help out without making it seem a huge effort. He will know by these gestures how much he is loved and valued. And you will feel useful and appreciated. Thank you for writing Judy
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What Do I Do for a Friend with Pancreatic Cancer?Tuesday, November 18th, 2008Dear Judy, I have a good friend who lives in Ohio who is dying of pancreatic cancer. No pain, or not much, which I gather is pretty much what it’s like with the disease. But it’s also incurable, as I’m sure you know. My problem is I live over a thousand miles away. I can’t travel back and forth: in these bad economic times, I have to really concentrate on my business which isn’t doing that great, and of course on my family. I have three teenagers and a wife who recently lost her job. What can I do for my friend from this distance? I mean besides call, which I do? We’ve known each other since we roomed together in college, we were frat brothers, and I will miss him a lot. In fact, I do already. Raymond Dear Raymond, Here’s what I always suggest to people in your position: and there are many who write in with similar questions. If you live far away from someone who’s terminally ill, there are many ways to help that person out — not medically of course, but in other ways. If you happen to know which films your friend most enjoys, why not send him a few CDs each month? Or give him his own subscription to a video rental service: he can make selections online. If he loves books or certain foods, you can have these shipped to his home as well. In other words, there’s almost nothing these days that you can’t provide for someone you care about — even from a great distance. And above all do what you already have been doing: call him. You can take your cues from him. If he wants to talk about his illness, or his dying, then let him. If he’d prefer to concentrate on other areas of his life, his kids or sports for instance, then go along with that. But don’t try to direct conversations. The terminally ill — and this is probably the only triumph they’re allowed — get to do that. The rest of us get to go along. Thank you for writing Judy
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Alzheimer’s: Grateful for All the HelpMonday, November 17th, 2008Dear Judy, My girlfriend and I couldn’t believe your callous response to the person who wrote in complaining about all the “do-gooders,” as she called them, who were trying to help her mother with Alzheimer’s. Dear Lou, As you know, the original letter-writer was really at wits’ end: acquaintances, friends, and distanct relatives were offering, unasked, lots of so-called “cures” for Alzheimer’s. As of now, there are none. There are medications, such as Aricept, which may help an Alzheimer’s patient by improving memory, but their utility and efficacity usually only lasts a year, at the outside, after which the Alzheimer’s patient returns to her previous state of dementia and forgetfulness. So basically nothing works in the long haul, and the writer was understandably getting weary of unsolicited miracle cures. I think you’re right that true help: in the form of physical help, such as bathing or feeding a patient is a godsend for the traditional care-provider. But witches’ potions don’t improve the life of the patient or the caregiver. They only make small minds feel more imporant. Thank you for writing Judy
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Breast Cancer Recurrence — What do I Tell My Kids?Friday, November 14th, 2008Dear Judy, I’ll make this short. My breast cancer has recurred, third time; I am 37. We thought we had it beat the first time around. My oncologist has told me to “get my affairs in order.” One of my “affairs”: My kids, 10 and 9. What do I tell them? Can I not tell them? What do I tell my mother, who has breast cancer herself, but not as bad as me. The prognosis for me is 100 percent bleak. Sharon in Illinois Dear Sharon, I am so sorry about your recurrence, and sorry as well for your children — and your mother. Obviously, you must tell your mother the bad news at once: she will want to know, and she may be a help both to you and the children now, as well as much later when she can talk to the children about you, and probably (if she is well enough, despite her condition) help care for them as well. Your children also must hear the truth, and I think they must hear it soon. Euphemisms are not a good idea. Phrases like, “Mommy is going away for a long time,” makes them think, in this day and age, that you are getting a divorce. A friend’s young children — when she told them much the same thing — asked why she couldn’t visit them on weekends. So tell them you love them and that you are very likely dying. Tell them you have tried everything and nothing has worked. There is nothing else to do. I would also, of course, recommend a kind and thoughtful therapist for the children to see, both now and for later. That’s important. And as many relations as you can muster to be with them. You haven’t mentioned a spouse, either present or former. If you are — or were — married, or have a steady man in your life, he should be by your side. And he should, once you are finished speaking, be there for them. Thank you for writing Judy
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Do I Tell My Older Brother He has Early Onset Alzheimer’s?Thursday, November 13th, 2008Dear Judy, My older brother is 59 — I am 50. He started behaving bizarrely about two years ago: talking in a confidential way to complete strangers, forgetting the names of people he knew, sometimes forgetting how to drive back to his own house, quarreling with family members over incidents that hadn’t in fact ever occurred. Then other days he’d be fine. Then the weirdness would start all over again. Two weeks ago, his wife and I persuaded him to go to a neurologist who gave him a pretty simple test. Draw a clock and make it indicate a certain hour of the day; identify drawings of certain animals. He couldn’t do much of it, and the doctor said, once my brother was out of the room, that he almost certainly had early onset Alzheimer’s. I just read that you can’t know for sure if someone has Alzheimer’s unless they’re dead and you do an autopsy. Is that true? In which case, how can a doctor be so sure? Also — should I tell my older brother about his condition? My brother’s wife says, No. I think he has a right to know the worst. Please tell me what you think. Evan Dear Evan, Early Onset Alzheimer’s Disease is pretty rare. It does run in families, so if a parent or grandparent has — or had – it at a reasonably young age (ie before reaching 65), that is at least one clue, and a big one. Another clue is what your brother just went through: failing the clock test. Of course the only 100 percent definitive analysis, as you read, comes with an autopsy. But the tests the neurologist gave your older brother are pretty conclusive. He, like more than 5 million Americans, has Alzheimer’s — only his form of the disease has come earlier than most. On the whole in instances like these, I’m on the side of your sister-in-law. There is little your brother can do about Alzheimer’s, aside from swallowing what the doctor prescribes — medications like Aricept, which might alleviate certain symptoms and improve memory for a brief period. But aside from that — there is no surgery, no drug, no diet, nothing that can cure the disease. In a while, he won’t even remember what you had told him about his illness. That’s the nature of Alzheimer’s. So I can’t imagine what can be gained by telling your older brother what you rightly call “the worst.” It is very bad. And worse still, unfortunately he cannot do anything about it. What you can do, however, is help prepare your sister-in-law for events that are likely to come. Review your brother’s health and disability insurance policies, for instance. See if he has longterm care insurance. And make sure he has a good doctor. Thank you for writing Judy
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My Dying Mother’s Will is an OutrageWednesday, November 12th, 2008Dear Judy, I feel like a major tool writing this, but since I know you won’t use my name, here goes: My mother is dying of ovarian cancer, Stage IV. She is preparing her will, and has told me that when she dies, she’s leaving the bulk of her estate to my older brother who is 29, and has Down Syndrome. When the house is sold, which will become necessary, the bulk of the proceeds will go in a trust toward his care as well. My brother is okay, by which I mean he lives in a group house, but he does need a lot of extra care and there are medical bills. So all right – I just graduated from college, but I had planned on going to grad school. My mother, who is a single mom, is pretty wealthy, and to be honest, I’d always counted on her helping me out with tuition. My Dad barely exists. He hasn’t had contact with us in over 10 years. Do I say something to my Mom about all this? She’s pretty bad and I don’t want to add to her problems. But what about me and my future? My mother has also told me she expects me to be in constant contact with my brother after she’s gone, and also to help supervise his condition. Is this right or fair? I can’t help feeling pissed off, and even jealous of my older brother, despite his condition. Life hasn’t been a picnic for me either in this family, and I don’t think anybody realizes it. As I say, either way, I feel like a tool. Am I? Len in Brooklyn Dear Len, I’m so sorry about your Mother. I know that part of what you’re feeling is grief since you are about to lose her. But as you say, the rest is much more complicated. In more ways than one you feel abandoned. I’m not suggesting you burden your mother with your own feelings of resentment and grievance. In fact, as much as you can, I’d suggest keeping a tight rein on those emotions, at least in her presence. But you can mention, in as neutral a way as possible, your desire to go on to graduate school, and your hope that some assistance might be provided. She may consent — or refuse your request. Either way, you have to remain calm. Vent your feelings with your friends or a therapist (in fact, as strongly as possible, I would suggest a therapist at this stage). But understand that there is little you can do right now with your mother, except care for her in her last days. Above all, please understand that your mother’s decision to provide your brother with the bulk of her estate is not because he is the recipient of the bulk of her love. She does not love you less than your brother. She simply fears for him more. And in your heart, I think you know why. And I also know that when the time comes you will continue make sure your brother is doing well, on a regular basis. And with your determination, you will also, come what may, find a way to go on to graduate school. Thank you for writing Judy
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What If A Friend Dies of Stomach Cancer — But Still Owes YOU?Tuesday, November 11th, 2008Dear Judy, I read your reply last month to a reader whose good friend died — she wanted to know if she could call the widower and reclaim a pair of diamond earrings she had given her friend. I’m in a similar, but not exactly the same, position. My good friend died of stomach cancer last month, and it was a terrible death. I realize there are probably no fabulous deaths, but this one was really horrible, and I saw her suffer for over a year. She didn’t deserve that kind of end: tubes running in and out of her, doing no good. She was a great person. This will help to explain my own actions, or rather inactions. Two years ago, when my friend seemed healthy, I lent her $4,800 toward the price of a used car. She’d gone through a hellish divorce (her husband got the family car — don’t ask) and promised to pay it all back to me over time. And I said, No worries — when a year is up,. you can start paying me back in installments. As I say, we’d been good friends a long time (since high school in fact) , she had a nice job, and besides, we both thought she was in perfect health. Then my friend got very sick and had to quit her job. So — no money. Of course I wasn’t going to ask her for it then, under the circumstances, either. Then she died last month. She left everything in trust to her two kids. Her parents, who are kind of old, got the used car. I don’t know what to do. Do I tell the old parents (they’re in their seventies) that I lent her the money. There’s no proof, no IOU note or anything. Or do I just forget about the loss of almost $5,000? Compared to what my friend went through, I guess it’s nothing. I’m still alive, after all, and pretty young — 46. I guess I can make more money. On the other hand, that is a big sum to lose. At least for me. And especially in this terrible economy. I’ll go along with whatever you say. Colette (Don’t print the name of our town, please) Dear Colette, I understand how difficult the situation is for you: either way, you can’t win, can you? You lost a good friend. And now you stand to lose a lot of money. The way I see it, you don’t have a lot of options. If you inform the aging parents — who are already devastated by the death of their daughter — that the car they inherited was purchased, at least in part, with your money, you seem insensitive and just perhaps a liar to boot. Why? Because you have no way of knowing if your friend ever told her parents about the loan. And I’m betting, from the tone of your email, that there’s no documentation to support your recollection of events. So I would say, judging from what you’ve written, that yes — you’re probably going to have to accept the loss of a huge chunk of change. It is, as you mention, nothing compared to the loss of a life. But I also think there’s a lesson here, and that it’s important for you to change your future behavior. Even for loans extended by the closest of friends, it’s always a good idea to have a written record. It doesn’t have to be a formal document — just a note promising repayment at some specified date. I know that sounds cold and untrusting. But as you’ve discovered through experience, there’s nothing colder than cash you once had — which is now warming someone else’s pocket. Thank you for writing Judy
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I Have Breast Cancer — And a Lot of Guilt To UnloadMonday, November 10th, 2008Dear Judy, Lately everyone who writes you seems to feel really guilty — usually not those who are terminally ill, but their so-called friends who are still very healthy. I have the opposite problem. My breast cancer has recurred, twice, and this time it seems more aggressive than ever. I figure I don’t have a lot of time left. I’ve been planning for the end. I resigned from three boards; my debts are all paid; I’ve called various people to say goodbye; and I’ve pretty much stopped working. I do have one remaining piece of business, but the problem is I can’t get it done. Over a decade ago, I involved a friend in a financial transaction, a hokey investment that proved really costly, mainly to her. She lost at least $100,000. I’m not saying I knew in advance she’d end up holding the empty bag — but I did know the guy who designed the deal and knew also that he had an occasionally unsavory reputation. I also got a cut (20 percent) of the money he received, because I had recommended him to my friend. When the deal went belly-up, my friend was very angry. With me (although she eventually got over that) and with the scam artist, who ended up going to jail. I’m not going to give any more details than that. I’ve tried in these last weeks to talk to my friend about this bad time, and apologize, but she keeps telling me not to bother. Either that, or she says she’s too busy to talk. She also said on one occasion that it’s not important to her any more, and I should consider my health. Actually her words were, “Don’t sweat the small stuff.” What do you think, Judy? I don’t want to spend my last months or years feeling so guilty. I feel terrible. More so now maybe, than at the time of the swindle. Leslie in NYC Dear Leslie, I think what we’re talking about here is a crime, of which you were a part. You also received a reward for being part of the investment that turned out, as you half-suspected, to be — as you say — “hokey.” So if your friend doesn’t want to rehash an old argument, and I can fully understand why she would feel it to be cruel to you at this juncture, why not plan another way to relieve your guilt? In your will, you might leave your friend $20,000 — the precise sum you mention you received from the swindler for recommending him. And, also in the will, you might mention that this refund is long overdue. I’m pretty sure that will relieve your guilt, allow you to resume an old friendship without constraints, and to continue in relative peace with the rest of your life. Thank you for writing. Judy
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How Am I Supposed to Replace a Dead Woman?Friday, November 7th, 2008Dear Judy, I know this question isn’t totally up your alley, but maybe you’ll answer it anyway. Last year I married a widower (his wife died of stomach cancer two years ago), and we get along very well. He has three grown children with whom I have cordial relations — actually more than cordial. We spend some holidays together at my lakeside house; two of them have toddlers, and occasionally I babysit. From the beginning of our romance, however, the mother-in-law (by which I mean the mother of my husband’s late wife) acted up openly and with an obvious determination to wound me. She hated me at first sight. She told my husband I would make him miserable; that I was nothing like her daughter; that her daughter was spinning in her grave. These days she invites him for dinner with his adult children, but tells him I can’t go (obviously, he doesn’t accept these invitations). The adult children do go however, and I have to say that does make me mad. I don’t say anything though. Should I? I think someone should speak up, don’t you? June in Tampa Dear June, Speaking up isn’t going to change anything. Not now. From the information you provided, several things become clear. 1) Your husband began a serious courtship very soon after his first wife’s death. 2) Your mother-in-law marveled at the speed of this courtship, and found it disrespectful to the memory of her late daughter. 3) She is still in the early and most painful stages of grief over her daughter’s death and for this reason will not be open to judicious or reasonable resolutions to her anger. So. Big intake of breath here. Do nothing and say nothing right now. You have your husband’s affection and his loyalty. He does not accept invitations to dinners from which you have been excluded. You get along with his adult offspring. It is understandable that they might want to see their grandmother, with or without you. It is important for their toddlers to provide her with some solace and company. In a year or two, you might try inviting the old bag — I mean your husband’s mother-in-law — to a quiet lunch, just the two of you, no loyal husband in tow. She may not accept. On the other hand, she just might. And whatever the outcome of your gesture, at least you”ll have tried to make peace in the family. Thank you for writing Judy
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