Dead of a Heart Attack; Now Mom is Giving Me OneMonday, December 8th, 2008Dear Judy, My father died of a heart attack four months ago. It wasn’t much of a surprise– he’d always had difficulties with his heart, his blood pressure wasn’t under control, and he ate a lot. Suddenly my mother, who had been his caretaker, has time on her hands. A lot of time. Too much time. I get calls in the middle of the night: she’s scared. She’s heard a noise. She’s bored. She hates the books she got from the library. Judy, I think it’s more than she’s lonely. My father’s years of ill health essentially isolated her. She has few friends. She looks to me and my younger brother for everything: companionship, shrinkage, counseling, cooking even. The problem is: I have a life! My boyfriend hates being woken up at 1 am and listening to me listen to my mother. I hate it too. Do you have any ideas? Leila Dear Leila, Obviously your mother needs a lot of counseling. And obviously too she needs a few friends her own age. I think with a little research you can at least find a competent therapist, someone who can deal with grief and depression — issues that are clearly affecting your mother now, and probably have affected her for years. Why not call your local hospice, if there is one nearby, and ask to speak to the grief counselor there? She — or he — might know someone who could help your mother for a reasonable fee. Then think of your mother’s interests. You mention she reads: perhaps you can find a book club she might join. Or a church group, if that’s her inclination. All it takes is a little time and access to a local newspaper. Once your mother has her own life, she won’t be as interested in invading yours. But meantime: would it hurt to invite her over for dinner once in a while? Maybe on a night when your boyfriend is working late… Thank you for writing Judy
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Breast Cancer Competitors?Friday, December 5th, 2008Dear Judy, I’m writing because I don’t know what to do. My younger sister has breast cancer. She is 36 years old and her type is a very aggressive kind. I’m with her a lot, at chemo sessions, at her kid’s school (if my sister has to miss a parent-teacher meeting or something), everywhere. As a result, I am sometimes late to work or I miss the morning car pool; I’ve been late to dinner parties and other social engagements as well. And then I have to explain why, of course. The trouble is whenever I do explain, someone in our office or at a dinner party or wherever always comes up with a similar story. I’ve heard from other women telling either they had a breast cancer scare, or they had the real thing. I’ve heard from men about their mothers and second cousins and ex-girlfriends. And the thing is — I just don’t want to hear their stories. I can’t bear it any more. I have enough to deal with in my own life. And it is very miserable. Is there any way I can put a stop to all these competitors who want to tell me their tales of woe, and see how it sizes up against my sister’s? Alicia in NYC Dear Alicia, Sometimes people mention other, similar afflictions because they think (wrongly, as you’ve discovered for yourself) that by dredging up their own bad times, they’re offering a form of solace to someone who’s suffering. It’s not so much that they’re competing with you (or your sister) as to who is suffering more — they just don’t know what to say. And mention of your sister’s illness prompts old, sad memories. There really isn’t any use in being rude. I’m sorry to say this: you may just have to nod and bear it. Say nothing more on the subject. Don’t continue the conversation, Try to change the subject, if possible. I’m sure there’s plenty worse that’s happening in your life right now. Just realize that well-meaning people often don’t know how to deal with sadness. Thank you for writing Judy
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Husband with Leukemia — But Our Teenagers Need A LifeThursday, December 4th, 2008Dear Judy, I have a very close immediate family (two children teenage children, four sisters, a brother and an aging mother). My husband was recently diagnosed with acute myelogenous leukemia, and he’s pretty young for that disease: 58. Anyway, I guess, given your online column you know what that means for him — and for us. The problem is, our adolescent kids. They know their father is sick. They know he’s undergoing chemo right now. Maybe there’ll be a bone marrow transplant later, it’s too early too tell. Anyway, he’s not doing very well. In fact, he is very sick. But the kids want to go out on dates and to parties from time to time. Especially our daughter who is pretty and 17. It’s not that she doesn’t care about her father. It’s just that she’s — 17. She needs to see life isn’t just about illness and nausea. My mother and my sisters especially are giving me a hard time on this. Should I put a stop to my daughter’s social life? Or to their intrusion into our family life? I don’t want to offend. But it’s hard on us all, as it is. Camilla (no city please, and no state) Dear Camilla, I am really sorry about your husband’s illness. As you probably know and have been told, the five year survival rate for AML, as it is called, is 40 percent. That means your husband has a chance of surviving several years even with this disease. No one would expect your teenagers to stop all social activity for several years. Explain this to your family, politely but firmly. Tell them what you just told me: life is about many things, and young people need to have time out from illness and grief. And by the way, encourage your teenage son in the same way. If after you’ve made your case, your family gives you any more heat, tell them that line of conversation is at an end. They’ll stop. Thank you for writing Judy
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All Those Deaths — Do I Date Him or Not?Wednesday, December 3rd, 2008Dear Judy, For the past 2 months I’ve been dating a nice guy. We are both 30 and it’s time I got married, clock ticking and all that stuff. Last weekend I visited this man at his house for the first time (he cooked dinner, and the usual fooling around followed). When I got up from the bed, I switched on the light and took a good look around. The bedroom was full of pictures — photos — of people, all of them dead. His best friend who died in a car crash. His mother who died from throat cancer. His grandmother, dead. A buddy who died in Iraq, hit by a grenade. His dog, even. A Dachshund named Millie. Dead. It was weird. My question is, Do I continue seeing this man or not? Is he death-obsessed, in your opinion? I like him. But I really hate his idea of decoration. Especially in the bedroom. Linda in LA Dear Linda, Nice men are hard to find, aren’t they? Especially those who cook. So don’t dismiss him just because you don’t like the decor. Ask about the photos. Ask about the people who died, who are obviously important to him. Then — and only when you’ve been dating a few months longer — you might suggest that they belong in his study. You don’t have to phrase it quite that way. You might simply observe that the bedroom seems “cluttered” to you, and the photos would “make more of a statement” in his study (or his basement…or on his living room piano. Whatever.) I think that should solve the problem. Thanks for writing Judy
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Our Mother is Abandoning Us, Now that a Friend Has Stomach CancerTuesday, December 2nd, 2008Dear Judy, My sister and I are 14 and 12. (I am 12). My mother’s best friend has stomach cancer. Would you say it’s weird for my mother to spend every day practically with her friend, and stop spending time with us and stop watching movies with us? Sometimes she even doesn’t cook dinner any more. She comes home late (8 pm) and just pushes some ready-made junk on the table. One time it was 3 Big Macs, Cokes and a lot of apple pies. If you say it’s weird, which is what both my sister and I think, we’ll show your reply to our mother. Tara Dear Tara, I think your mother is very unhappy about her friend’s condition. Her friend is dying and that clearly has made her distracted and forgetful about other important people in her life. Namely — you and your sister. You don’t mention a father. Maybe your father isn’t around. If he is around, however, don’t you think it would be smart to ask him to help out? Also, both you and your sister could learn how to cook healthy, delicious dishes for yourselves. This is as good a time as ever to start. And it’s a skill you, and everyone who knows you, will value when you grow up. Now as to your mother. Please tell her I said she must start paying more attention to you both. However much the pain of her good friend’s illness is affecting her, she can’t let that get in the way of her relationship with her children. Do show this reply to her. Write again please, and tell me how things are going. Judy
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My Spoiled Sister, Now a WidowMonday, December 1st, 2008Dear Judy, I’ll bet you haven’t received an email like this before. My sister, who is now 40, recently lost her husband who was more than a decade older. I guess the age gap had its effect, because around her he was always like a frisky puppy –or maybe I should say more like one of those Alaskan sled dogs, always tirelelssly working on her behalf, never taking a break. (He died of a heart attack, his third. Big surprise, right?) Anyway, while Mike was around, he was the one who always fixed the toaster — and made the toast. And the dinners. And called the plumber and the roofer. They had no kids, so it was amazing she couldn’t get around to accomplishing basic tasks. He was forever panting after her with her slippers, if you see what I mean. Now that he’s gone she’s figured out we can take his place in the unpaid worker department. Whenever my sister is at my house (or at our brother’s — and he has a whole family she can direct), it’s always, “Can you help wash my car?” Or, “Be an angel, and get me another cup of tea.” That kind of thing. She is not handicapped. It’s been four months since Mike died. We don’t want to be cruel or rude. But we’ve had it. Can you suggest some way out of slavery? Leslie in Des Moines Dear Leslie, I take your point. But have you — or your brother — ever heard of the word ‘No’? It has the advantage of being simple, direct and easily understood. I realize you don’t want to be considered rude or insensitive in the wake of a brother-in-law’s untimely death. But as you yourself point out: it’s been four months. All you are feeling these days is resentment, and that ’s no way to maintain a relationship with a sibling. So the next time your sister asks you to help fix her flat, point to the number of AAA, or the nearest gas station. If she feels she is unable to fix the toaster, suggest she buy a replacement. In other words, slavery has been outlawed. Now all you need to do is remember that. You don’t need to be rude. Just state the obvious: no one can repair the sink faucet better than the plumber whose number you happen to have on hand. No one can make a better cup of tea than your sister, so she should get you a cup as well while she’s up. I promise you, your sister will absorb the lesson pretty quickly. Thanks for writing, Judy
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Can We Edit Granny’s Will So I Get a Diamond?Friday, November 28th, 2008Dear Judy, I know you don’t usually deal with bequest issues. But this is important to me. My grandmother died at 85 last month, and left everything she had to the five of us — her grandchildren. We are all adults. I’m the only guy. I get all the money, it turns out. The female grandchildren get her jewels, which are pretty nice. Our grandmother was moderately wealthy, as you can tell from the details of this email. There are a number of brooches, very old fashioned, with rubies in the shape of dragons or flowers and a few with emeralds, and two very pretty diamond solitaires, and also some valuable earrings and pearl neckleaces (real pearls, not cultured). I think it’s ridiculous that the money wasn’t evenly distributed to my sisters and two female cousins. I also, frankly, would like one of the knock-your-socks-off large diamond rings to give to my girlfriend, on the day I propose to her. So — do you think we can exchange money for jewelry and vice versa? Should we? My female cousins say they are perfectly happy with the arrangement as it stands (I think their jewels are worth a lot…). My sister says she’ll go along with whatever is easiest for the family. Tell me what you think. Ralph in Maryland Dear Ralph, Here’s what I think. Your cousins have spoken. Their word should be final. Your sister, it seems to me, is also pleased with the arrangement as it stands, but would prefer not to quarrel with you over a matter of diamond rings. What she is essentially saying, in other words, is you should leave her alone to enjoy the jewels she has rightfully inherited. Since you got the cash — all the cash –and you appear to enjoy old jewelry, why not visit an estate sale? Or drop by your local jewelers to see what’s in the window. I’ll be these days, in times of hard economic news, you can get a very pretty diamond solitaire ring for your girlfriend at a very nice price. And now that you have the cash on hand to buy it, you can also leave your relatives in peace. Thank you for writing, Judy
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Pancratic Cancer Took his Life — But Was He My Lover or My Husband?Wednesday, November 26th, 2008Dear Judy, I read your advice about a month ago to the woman who was going through a bad divorce when her husband died — and she didn’t feel like acting like a grieving widow because it was so hypocritical. I have a more difficult problem. Four years ago, I too went through a nasty divorce from a nasty guy. Then I met the love of my life: a kind, thoughtful and intelligent man. We never married — in fact we lived in different cities, so we had to drive a considerable distance to our reunions. But we managed to see each other once a week, we vacationed together, and we were faithful and loving. He died two months ago of pancreatic cancer. The end was very swift. But my problem is this: I don’t know how to define myself now that he’s dead. In the eyes of his close friends, maybe I’m basically his widow, because we were so close. Should I call myself a widow? That’s what I feel like, even though we never married. But I’m really a divorcee — from a guy I can’t think of without flinching. Marie in Sacremento Dear Marie, I am very sorry your dear friend has died. But right now I think that’s your only true problem: the feeling of loss. How you refer to this man is up to you. But if I were in your shoes, I’d simply tell the truth: he was the love of your life. And he died. You don’t have to give any more details to anyone. You certainly don’t have to call yourself a divorcee — in fact I think that’s a pretty old-fashioned term. So if someone asks, just stick to the hard facts. They speak volumes. And they are quite enough. Thank you for writing Judy
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Dad’s Lies For His TombstoneTuesday, November 25th, 2008Dear Judy Our father, who is slowly fading (lung cancer, Stage IV) has left written instructions for his tombstone. For everything, in fact. But it’s the tombstone details that really made me drop my jaw. Everything he spelled out for the slab of granite in his future is a total lie: “Loving Husband” and “Loving Father” are just the start. He also titles himself “Colonel Smith” (he was no colonel); he has even actually deducted a few years from his lifespan as it now stands. I don’t especially feel like arguing with him, especially now in his condition (anyway, we’ve done enough of that over the years, as you can probably gather). But I also don’t think that when the time comes, we should order the engraving as it now stands. Our mother isn’t taking any stand on this (as usual. Stands aren’t exactly her forte). My sisters tell me not to sweat the small stuff. But I have kids for whom I’d like to set an example. And I don’t lie. What to do? Ellie in Toronto Dear Ellie, At the moment, I’m with your sisters. Don’t sweat the small stuff. As your mother has no objections, when the time comes for a tombstone to be engraved, feel free to delete the fictional military rank and to alter your father’s age so that it’s in accordance with reality. As for the “loving father” and “loving husband” issue — my own thoughts on that are pretty traditional. By which I mean, no one takes epitaphs too literally. We all allow the dead a little poetic license (we’re hoping our descendents will do as much for us). If every person in the obit columns were as “loving” as described, this world would be awash with affection, peace, and deliriously happy families. Readers of tombstones know that those sorts of lies — the “loving” lies, let’s call them — are just the living’s way of being polite to those who are no longer in a position to explain away their transgressions. Thank you for writing Judy
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My Husband’s Prostate Cancer Is Ruining My Financial Future!Monday, November 24th, 2008Dear Judy, My 50-year-old husband was recently diagnosed with prostate cancer and has started treatment. Depending on how he responds, he can live from 5-15 years. The brakes have been put on us financially. Meaning my husband is trying to prevent me from buying a big house — and selling the condo I bought years ago. I’m a bit frustrated. I want very badly to move out of the condo. I know my husband is concerned about our financial future — he’s worried I won’t be able to pay off the mortgage on whatever house we end up buying — and besides, he’s obviously not feeling well. But he has substantial life insurance, and I have a good job. Any suggestions for me? I really want to move forward with our plans, and I want him not to worry. I have a great-aunt who will be leaving me a substantial inheritance, and she is very old. So if my husband stays relatively okay for a while, we should both be okay. I’m going completely crazy in our small condo, and desperately want a bigger place to live. Any suggestions? Mary in Virginia Dear Mary, I know you’re not going to like what I’m about to suggest since you really seem to want to move out of your condo — now. But I’m going to ask you, just for a minute, to take a step back from your own desire and think of your husband. Very likely the treatment he’ll receive for prostate cancer will leave him very tired and weak. In other words there is no “relatively okay” condition for your husband. What this means is that the strenuous ordeal of packing, deciding which possessions each — or both — of you wants to keep or throw out, and moving will probably be more than he can bear. So cut him a break. For that matter, cut yourself a break. I think you want to move out quickly for many reasons. Perhaps part of you wants to flee a certain amount of heartbreak and panic, which I know you must be feeling. Maybe you think moving right away from a condo will be the same thing as moving away from trouble and grief. Maybe you think a big home will do the trick, and pull your husband out of fear and worry. But it won’t. My advice? Stay put for the next few years. Whatever your future inheritance from the old aunt — it’s not in your pocket now. And as you’ve seen from the series of recent economic disasters that have rocked this country, anything can happen to even large amounts of money. And I think you’ll be helping your sick husband in many ways by giving him a stable existence in the condo he knows and loves. Thank you for writing Judy
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